


So Shine A Light And Guide Me Home

by amory



Series: Dust Off Your Highest Hopes [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Fluff and Angst, I'm sorry that this happened I am the worst, M/M, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-17
Updated: 2013-05-17
Packaged: 2017-12-12 02:39:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/806209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amory/pseuds/amory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry gets a job and Louis just wants him to come back home.</p><p>Set two years after Dust Off Your Highest Hopes</p>
            </blockquote>





	So Shine A Light And Guide Me Home

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry please don’t hate me, also did you notice I’ve completely given up on summaries? This could have been a lot better I think but enjoy :)
> 
> tumblr: amoryfics.tumblr.com

Harry’s wandering through the grocery store, listening to Niall and Liam bicker about health food for their dorm versus junk food, when he sees it. He’s kind of made it a rule not to go near the tabloid section of the grocery store if he can help it, but he’s somehow ended up here standing in front a row of magazines, some with his boyfriend’s face on them. One in particular catches his attention almost immediately.

**One Direction Cheating Scandal: Louis Tomlinson’s Fall Getaway With Mystery Man!**

And he knows he shouldn’t buy it. Everything in the tabloids is usually always wrong, verging on hilarious like the time a very middle aged woman tried to frame her pregnancy on Josh, and Harry knows that. He and Louis have spoken numerous times about trying to stay out of the hateful aspect of the band’s new found stardom, but it’s always so tempting for Harry to get reassurance when he’s feeling bad about himself.

He buys it before Niall and Liam even notice he’s strayed, hiding it under the other things he’s buying, including a few new blades for his razor. He waits until Niall leaves for his late class and Liam leaves for the gym to sit down and read it.

There’s a whole story on the subject, saying Louis and the man were spotted out for lunch in France last week when the boys were doing a few shows on their last leg of the European tour. The thing is that Harry knows Louis wouldn’t ever cheat on him, but the magazine is so convincing and the man is very pretty and very young and Harry has never met him before in his life. He thought he knew all of Louis’ friends.

They have pictures of the lunch date where Louis is laughing his crinkly eye laugh, and then there they are sneaking in through the back of the boy’s hotel late one night, and there’s Louis’ promise ring on his finger like always, but does it even mean anything? The worst part is the small aside where there’s a picture of Harry and Louis holding hands and shopping together, calling their entire body language into question. Their body language for christ sakes, like Louis hanging all over Harry while he tries on shoes proves they’ve been “distant and hostile as of late”.

Harry reaches for his phone out of instinct, glancing over at his shopping bag where the blades are. If Louis answers he won’t do it. That shouldn’t even be a problem, Harry figures, because Louis always, always answers when Harry calls, even if it’s incredibly inconvenient. But it becomes a problem when Louis doesn’t answer the first time, or the second time, or the third, fourth, or fifth time. It becomes a problem when Harry goes into the bathroom, locks the door, turns the shower on as hot as it goes, and grabs the razor blades. All the while he thinks of Louis probably with that man from the tabloid, ignoring Harry’s calls.

Louis isn’t doing that of course. Actually, he’s searching around his entire flat for his phone. _Green Eyes_  is Louis’ ringtone for Harry and he can hear it playing repeatedly, but he just can’t find it.

“Zayn get of your ass, Hazza’s calling!” Louis says, pushing Zayn away from the end of the couch. He finds his phone wedged there between the cushion and the arm of the couch and holds it up triumphantly. Zayn just rolls his eyes and goes back to watching footie, sharing his bag of crisps with Josh every now and then.

Louis’ triumphant grin quickly turns into a frown when he sees the number of times Harry’s called him. He leaves the room, calling Harry back on the way to his bedroom. It rings for awhile before going to voicemail. Louis tries to calm his breathing down and convince himself that Harry’s alright, and calls again.

“H-hello?”

Louis drops to the bed when he hears Harry’s tone. Broken, full of tears, like he needs Louis there and Louis isn’t there and that’s absolutely killing him. “Harry, baby?”

“I really really wanna do it,” Harry whispers, and he’s ashamed of himself really. He’s been doing so well, it’ll be two years this April since he’s cut, and here he is about to ruin that. “Louis I can’t. I have the razors and everything I…”

Louis clenches and unclenches his hands, wanting just to  _be there_ , wanting to be able to hold Harry and tell him it’s alright and that whatever has happened to cause this is fixable. But he can’t, because Louis is at his flat in London and Harry is at his dorm in Manchester, so he tries to make up for it.

“Alright, just stay on the phone with me okay? Where are you?”

The white noise behind Harry stops and he sniffles. “Bathroom.”

“Can you go back out for me? Leave the razors in the bathroom, okay?”

“Okay,” Harry whispers. He pulls himself up off the tiled floor and walks shakily back out into his dorm room. “I’m in bed.” He mutters into the phone.

Louis nods, squeezing his eyes shut to stop the tears. “Good baby, that’s good, I’m so proud of you. Where are the boys?”

“They’re both out, I waited until they left.” And of course he would have, Louis realizes, because even after two years Harry still knows exactly how to do this and hide it well. It’s second nature to him almost and he can slip right back into it if he allows himself.

“Alright just stay on the phone. What happened? Do you know what triggered it?”

Harry hesitates, almost not wanting to say anything, but he tells Louis everything and now shouldn’t be any different. “I read this thing and it…it said…are you cheating on me?”

Louis’ entire world stops spinning. If he weren’t already sitting down he probably would have completely fallen over. “What?” He asks, breathless.

“Are you cheating on me?” Harry’s voice is more firm this time, but Louis can still hear the tears and the disbelief.

“No! Harry, god no! Why would I ever cheat on you?”

“Because I’m not enough,” Harry whispers, and then he starts crying again. “M’gonna go Louis.”

“No Harry, listen to me. Stay on the phone.” Louis panics and stands up, grabbing a bag and throwing some clothes into it. He can’t just sit here and let Harry do this, he can’t sit here knowing Harry needs him and he isn’t there.

“I’m okay, I just need some time for myself right now. Love you.” And he hangs up.

When Louis tries to call back, his phone is turned off. “Zayn! Josh!” He shouts. He tosses his phone on the bed and throws a few more clothes into the bag, zipping it up and grabbing his jacket.

“Whoa, Lou what’s happening?” Josh asks, eyebrows raised when he sees Louis trying to find a matching pair of shoes.

Louis shakes his head. “I have to go, Harry thinks I’m cheating on him or something I just-I don’t know. Can you cover for me?”

“Of course Lou. Take my car, its faster.” Zayn disappears into the hall, and returns with his keys. Louis thanks him and leaves just like that, only his coat and bag, driving as fast as he possibly can without getting pulled over. He calls Niall before he’s even out of the city, asking him to go check on Harry which he does, finding the younger boy crying in bed but not hurting. He won’t speak though, so Louis isn’t really all that comforted.

The drive over gives Louis far too much time to think. He starts wondering why Harry would ever think that. Did Louis get too close to someone? Does he not tell Harry he loves him enough? Does Harry just not want him anymore? They’ve only had limited time with each other lately, the boys coming off of tour and Harry starting uni again, maybe Harry wants someone who can be there for him more often. Could Louis even blame him if he did?

Louis shows up on campus at two in the morning. It’s eerily quiet, then again it is a Tuesday night, so it really isn’t that strange Louis guesses. He’s only been to Harry’s dorm once and that was two years ago when all six boys got together to help the boys move in, so it takes Louis a little while to find it.

The boys are all asleep and the woman at the security wants absolutely nothing to do with him, rockstar status or not. Louis ends up having to wake Liam up, because trying to wake up Niall would take hours, who takes the lift all the way down in his pajamas just to assure the security guard that Louis can be let in.

“Is he alright?” Louis asks immediately.

Liam nods, yawning and reaching over to squeeze Louis’ shoulder across the lift. “Yeah, he went to bed really early though. I don’t know what set him off honestly, he was fine earlier today.”

“He thinks I’m cheating on him.” Louis sighs.

Liam snorts and shakes his head. “Yeah right,” He gives Louis a look out of the side of his eye though. “Wait, you aren’t-”

“Honestly Liam?” Louis asks, raising an eyebrow.

He shrugs. “Just checking, making sure they hadn’t transplanted your brain or something. Scientology is only American famous people though, I think. Right?” Louis smirks, because two am Liam is even dopier than normal Liam, and follows the half-asleep boy down the halls towards his dorm room.

It’s completely silent when they walk in, Harry’s small nightlight providing only a small glow of light as they enter. Harry had laughed and teased Louis about it when he gave it to him, but Harry always used it because even when he’s surrounded by Niall and Liam, their dorm is still a little creepy at night.

A figure on one of the beds moves and Louis can tell his Harry right away, just by the way he squirms around a bit and yawns. “Li?” Harry sits up, rubbing his eyes.

“Hey Hazza baby.” Louis whispers.

Harry frowns, squinting in the darkness. “Lou?” He murmurs, his voice sleepy and raspy like Louis likes it. Louis drops his bag at the door and walks over, slipping his shoes and coat off and climbing into the twin sized bed.

“What are you doin’ here?” Harry mumbles, reaching over to brush Louis’ hair back and feel around his face like he doesn’t believe he’s real. “What about work?”

Louis shakes his head and opens his arms until Harry leans forward. He wraps his arms around the sleepy boy, sighing happily when Harry tucks his head into Louis’ shoulder and Louis knows his boy is safe and sound in his arms again.

“You’re more important, always, always more important.” Louis whispers. He reaches for Harry’s wrists and brings them up to kiss the faded scars. “So proud of you for calling me, sweetheart. You’re so strong.”

Harry smiles his blissful sleepy smile and pulls Louis down with him so they’re laying on the bed. Louis kisses his forehead, brushing his curls back and sighing. “I love you so much Harry, get some sleep alright? We can talk about it tomorrow.”

Harry wraps his arms around Louis’ neck and nods. “Thank you Lou. Love you.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Louis whispers, letting his own eyes fall closed. “I’ll alway be here for my beautiful boy.”

Harry holds Louis all night and wakes up more than a little confused. He’s pretty sure he’s still dreaming when he looks over and sees Louis snuggled as close as possible, seeking warmth.

“Lou bear, you cold?” Harry whispers. Louis nods, not opening his eyes. Harry reaches for his throw blanket and pulls it up as well as the quilt until they’re all the way up to his ears.

“It’s an ice box in here,” Louis mutters. “How are you not shivering baby? No meat on your bones.”

Harry smiles and shake his head. “M’used to it.”

“This is torture, uni is torture.”

“We can’t all become famous rock stars, Lou.”

Louis sighs, tugging Harry closer and wrapping a leg around his waist. “Anytime you wanna drop out and come live with me, you can. You don’t even have to ask.” He’s joking of course, but there’s truth behind it. Louis would be more than happy to let Harry live with him, take care of him financially as well as emotionally now that he can, but he knows Harry would never want that. One of their biggest fights to date happened just because Louis made an off hand comment about paying Harry’s student loans off for him.

“I don’t want be a kept man.” Harry teases.

“You’d be a very well taken care of kept man though,” Louis teases and presses closer to Harry. “I’ll keep the heat up all the time I promise, and we’ll get a bigger bed, and a dog, and 2.5 children, and a white picket fence. Just say the word, love.”

Harry smiles and ducks his head, kissing Louis’ neck softly. “Missed you a lot. Been way too long.”

“Saw you two weeks ago, baby love.”

“I always miss you.” Harry sighs. He sits up, leaving Louis on the bed moaning about how cold he is. Harry grins when he sees Louis’ bag on the floor along with his shoes. He gets dressed quickly and returns to Louis, tucking his shivering figure into the blankets.

“I’ve got a class, but I’ll skip the rest alright?” Harry whispers. “Try to get back toe sleep, what time did you get in last night?”

Louis shrugs, finally opening his eyes. “Around two.”

Harry bites back his smile and kisses Louis softly, just a quick good morning kiss. “I’ll be back at 11, we can spend the rest of the day together.”

Louis nods and reaches for Harry’s hand, stopping him before he goes. “Harry, I would never hurt you, you know that right? I love you more than anything.”

Harry closes his eyes and breathes out slowly, thinking of the magazine. They don’t know anything. That Louis isn’t his Louis. That Louis they’ve made up isn’t even close to the sleep soft angel in his bed right now with his quivering bottom lip and honest blue eyes.

Harry opens his eyes again and sees Louis looking on in concern. “I know. I love you too Lou, I’ll see you in a bit.” Louis pulls him back for another short kiss and watches Harry leave, stopping to grab his books and to whisper another  _I love you_  to Louis, before he goes.

Louis closes his eyes and when he opens them again, it’s ten o’clock and he’s feeling much less tired than he was earlier. He pulls himself out of bed, seeing Niall and Liam are now gone as well, the only sign of their departure being a giant smiley face drawn on a sticky note and stuck to his forehead. Niall.

Louis smiles and looks around the room. His heart warms when he sees the pictures Harry has taped up to his wall of them, of Louis that he’s cut out from magazines like a teenage girl, a small 1D postcard with a heart around Louis’ face and a stick figure Niall sitting on Josh’s head, and then pictures of the two of them at the coffee shop from what feels like forever ago. He touches one that he took softly, it’s of Harry curled up in his favorite chair with a giant grin looking so terribly young, Louis in his lap with a horribly done cappuccino in his hands.

 _Love you always baby_ Louis had written on it with permanent marker. He sighs and pulls himself out of bed, a bit worried to look inside his bag. Sure enough, nothing in here that could even be considered an outfit. There are a few pairs of skinny jeans, a dress shirt that belongs on a tux, a holey sleep shirt, and a copious amounts of pants for some reason. Louis rolls his eyes and pulls on a pair of the skinny jeans and looks around for one of Harry’s jumpers.

He smiles when he tugs it on, breathing in the scent of Harry that he always misses when he’s gone, letting the arms flop over his hands. Checking the clock shows him he’s only burned up ten minutes and Louis is bored. So, he gets a great idea and grabs his cell phone.

 _If I wanted to surprise Harry in class, where would I have to go?_ He texts Liam, already grabbing his wallet and a beanie and slipping his shoes on. Liam replies with an lol and a room number.

Louis skips out of the dorm room, looking around for the lift and getting into it. He turns to the other two girls in there with him and gives them his best and most convincing I-promise-I’m-not-crazy smile. “Hey, so if I wanted really, really good donuts where could I find some around here?”

They both stare at him for a moment, open mouthed, before the blond one finally speaks. “You’re Louis Tomlinson.”

Louis frowns. He still isn’t used to being recognized in public, despite the hoards of paps that seem to follow him everywhere and the fact that he has girls such as these tracking him to his house. It never seems to sink in for him that he’s famous. “Huh. Yeah, I guess I am. How about those donuts then?”

The redhead looks stunned. “You’re here in our dorm. Why are you here in our dorm?”

Louis smiles and flops his arms around in Harry’s too-large jumper as if showing them. “My boyfriend is Harry Styles, he lives on your floor do you know him? Talk, dark, and handsome?” They both nod, eyes wide and Louis grins. “Great, then you can help me! I’m trying to buy him donuts because he loves apple fritters, especially early in the morning. I need to get them to his class before he leaves. And I’m probably going to get lost.”

“I thought he was joking.” The redhead whispers. “I thought he was just like…obsessed with you but you…holy shit.”

It makes sense, Louis thinks. Despite being a boyfriend to a member of possibly the most popular band in the world right now, Harry keeps to himself. He’s only ever papped when he’s with Louis, even then he’s usually never in the papers, and he doesn’t even have a facebook page. Most people know Louis has a boyfriend, but very few actually know who he is.

“There’s a place just off campus that makes amazing donuts,” The blond pipes up, grinning now. “We can show you? And then help you get to Harry’s class if you want?”

“Yes! Oh my god, you girls are life savers! Show me the way.” The girls stare at him for a little while longer in disbelief, but when Louis nods towards the opening lift doors, they come to their senses and lead Louis out.

The two girls, Emily being the redhead and Candace being the blond, are apparently huge fans. As in, know everything about Zayn Malik even the creepy things fans. On the way to the donut shop they ask him a million questions about Zayn and Louis just laughs and answers along, stopping them only when they start asking for his phone number. Candace keeps taking pictures and Louis just grins because he gets it. If he were 19 again and a member of his favorite band showed up half asleep where he lives, he’d be excited too.

Louis orders six apple fritters and four teas, giving the girls their own which is met by squealing and more picture taking. Louis makes sure to make Harry’s tea perfectly, adding just enough sugar and milk like he likes, before Emily and Candace show him to Harry’s class.

It’s all the way across campus but when they reach the room, they still have a few minutes to spare. Emily starts taking a video, asking Louis questions like what’re his favorite things about Harry, and how Zayn writes songs, and Louis answers them all while chewing on his apple fritter.

“Lou?”

Louis swings around mid-explanation of his love for Harry’s curls, and sees said curly haired boy standing at the now open classroom door with wide surprised eyes. “Hazza! I’ve made friends, and look what I brought you!” Louis holds the bag of apple fritters out with a proud grin and Harry laughs, covering his mouth with his hand.

“Thanks Lou, they look yummy.” He bends down and gives Louis a quick peck on the lips, stopping when the girls start squealing along with a few others from his class. He flushes bright red and pulls back. “I uhm…I’ll see you in Lit on Monday Emily, yeah?”

Emily nods, putting her phone down finally. “Yeah. Bye Louis.”

“Bye!” Louis chirps happily. “Thanks for all your help!” He grabs onto Harry’s hand and starts to tug him away, making sure to grab their tea as well.

Harry smiles and waves back at the small crowd gathered sheepishly. He can only imagine what class is going to be like him for the next few days when people find out he’s harboring a celebrity in his dorm room.

“Christ, I’m pretty sure you just shot my popularity with half of this school through the roof Lou.” Harry chuckles, letting go of his boyfriend’s hand to grab one of the apple fritters. It’s still good and warm, but nothing like the ones Louis used to save for him every morning at the coffee shop back home.

Louis grins. “My pleasure, baby. Just don’t let them steal you away from me.”

“Never.” Harry pulls Louis in for a longer kiss, tasting of apples and cinnamon and tea, and sighing. “Love you, Louis.”

Louis smiles back and kisses Harry’s bottom lip softly. “Love you more.”

Louis swings their hands between them on the way back to the door, chattering to Harry about the girls helping him find donuts and then about helping Josh hunt for a new flat because his old one was too large, and on and on until they’re back in Harry’s room and Harry can’t stop grinning. He missed this. He missed holding Louis hand and just talking about the littlest details of their lives that they miss being apart, things that never seem like much, but always end up meaning a lot.

Harry is hopping onto his bed, laughing about something Zayn did, when the magazine slides off the bed and smacks onto the floor. He looks down at it and cringes when he sees the cover all over again. Louis frowns and snatches it up before Harry can try to hide it.

“Is this…Harry is this what you were reading?” Louis asks softly. Harry shrugs and pulls his blanket up around himself, not looking up from his tea. Louis looks the article, if you could even call it that, over with a large frown. “Absolute fucking bullshit.” He growls.

Harry sips at his lukewarm tea. “I’m an idiot, I know but-”

“Baby, that’s Lottie’s boyfriend.” Louis mutters, resisting the urge to rip the magazine up into pieces. Cheating on Harry, honestly? They might as well have just said he was sleeping with a girl too, take it to the next level.

Harry looks up, his eyebrows pulling together. “It is?”

Louis rolls his eyes at the thought of his little sister who has just entered her dating age with incredible enthusiasm. “Boyfriend of the month, whatever, not the one you met last Christmas. But she really, really likes this one apparently and he was in Paris for some school trip so I said why not. Sweet kid, Lottie’s going to absolutely chew him up and spit him out, but sweet. We don’t have to kill him unless he makes her cry.”

Harry bites at his lip. “I feel really dumb.” He says finally.

Louis shakes his head, dropping the magazine and crawling up onto the bed. “No, no, sweetheart. Don’t ever feel stupid, okay? I hate when they talk about you. Talking about me is one thing, but-”

“We knew it would happen.” Harry mumbles.

Louis sighs and places his hand softly on Harry’s chin, making the boy face him so their eyes can meet. “I know, but it’s doing this to you. It’s making you feel bad about yourself and I hate that more than words can express, because you’ve made so much progress babe. They have absolutely no right to talk about you, I signed up for this not you and I…I’m so sorry Harry. I feel so selfish keeping you around when I know what I do is hurting you.”

Harry shakes his head, grabbing Louis’ hand so he can intertwine their fingers. “You aren’t selfish Lou, this relationship isn’t one sided. I want you just as much as you want me, gossip or not. I know I shouldn’t be reading things like that.”

Louis shakes his head. “You shouldn’t have to know that Harry, is the thing. You should be able to have a normal relationship, you deserve that.”

Harry feels like his heart is beating double time at that because it sounds like the beginning of a breakup speech. “Don’t talk like that, you scare me,” he says sharply. “Nothing about our relationship was ever normal, Louis. Even when before the band was signed I was fucking mutilating myself-”

“Harry!” Louis breathes in sharply, surprised. He doesn’t like when Harry talks about his cutting so brashly, like it was stupid or somehow his fault.

“It’s true, Louis.” Harry sighs. “We aren’t normal, and I don’t mind that. I don’t want normal, I want you.”

Louis sighs. “You’re sure?” he asks quietly. “Harry, honestly, tell me right now. I know we’ve been together for so long you might feel obligated to stay but…if this is all too much for you, I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to take a break.”

Harry shakes his head because Louis never gets like this. Harry gets like this, Harry is supposed to be the one who thinks so badly of himself. Louis is the sun and the light, effervescent and perfect, and he’s supposed to know that. He’s supposed to know that Harry would never want to leave even if they were physically forced apart.

“Louis, I’m not leaving you. I’m never, ever leaving you unless you leave first.”

“Good thing I’m never ever leaving you either.” Louis mumbles back and Harry laughs. Louis smiles at him, loving Harry’s laughter more than any other sound in the world. He reaches over and covers Harry’s laughing mouth with his own, sighing softly into it.

“I love when you’re happy.”

“Mm, you make me happy.” Harry whispers back. Louis grins and rests his head against Harry’s collarbone, wrapping his arms around Harry’s torso and shutting his eyes. Harry says nothing else, just slowly pushes his fingers through the boy’s hair until Louis’ breathing slows and he appears to be asleep. Harry knows he isn’t though, because Louis isn’t a nap person no matter how tired he gets, but sometimes this is the only way to stop his mouth from running a mile a minute, quiet his brain and make him calm down a bit.

“Kind of convenient you’re here, actually.” Harry says after a little while of quiet cuddling.

Louis blinks his sleepy blue eyes up and cocks his head. “Yeah, why’s that?”

“Wanted to talk to you about this summer.” Louis perks up at this and kisses the underside of Harry’s jaw as it starts moving again. “About internships and stuff-Lou I can’t think when you’re doing that.”

Louis shots him a devious grin and attaches his mouth back to the side of Harry’s neck, sucking and nipping marks until Harry lets out a pleased groan. “You can certainly try.” Louis murmurs against the pale skin.

Harry shakes his head and pulls away, a small smile playing around his lips. “One of my professors gave me a list of internships he think I should apply for for the summer, a lot of them are in London and I just thought…since you’re recording all summer and you’ll be around-”

“Harry, you don’t have to ask,” Louis chuckles. He sits up fully now but still doesn’t move from Harry’s lap. “You know my flat is yours too, everything of mine is yours too. My home is your home.”

Harry scratches roughly at his curls and mumbles around his hand, “I never worked for any of it.”

Louis scoffs. “And I did?”

Harry pulls his hand back down and fixes a steady glare on Louis. “Yes you did. You spent two years in that coffee shop saving up however many yeas before that helping your mum and working odd jobs. You spend hours and days working with the band, you still do. What have I done? Nothing.”

“I just want to take care of you, that’s all.” Louis sighs.

In his head, it all makes sense. Louis never had much money growing up and he’s certainly never been as secure as he is now. The first thing he did when he saw all those zeros in his bank account was set up trust funds for his four sisters, which everyone thought was cute except for Harry, who knew Louis was doing that first because he worries this might all fall through one day and be right back where he started.

After he realized the money wasn’t just going to up and disappear one day he started spending more, helping out his mum, buying things for the girls, getting his own flat. Harry continually refuses his help though, so Louis is saving up for the life he hopes they’ll have someday. Now that he can, Louis just wants to spend money on his family, ensure that they have anything they need or want, and that extends to Harry because Harry is his family.

Harry doesn’t want that though. He doesn’t want to be that boyfriend of the rich guy who never had to lift a finger or work for anything in his life.

“You do take care of me Lou, you know you do,” Harry cups Louis’ face and kisses his forehead. “I don’t want to take advantage of you, that’s all. If you wanted me to get my own flat for the summer I would in a heartbeat.”

Louis rests his hand over Harry’s wrist and leans into his hand, which is large enough to hold almost the entire right side of Louis’ face. “I want you to live with me if you want to. I can barely sleep without you as it is, if I knew you were in the same city and not with me I’d become absolutely incorrigible. Plus, you’d be mine all summer.”

“You gonna start singing to me babe?” Harry smirks and leans forward to brush his lips over Louis’ thinner ones. “ _You were my summer love, you always will be my summer love_.”

Rolling his eyes, Louis pushes Harry back. “Zayn’s so melodramatic.”

Harry raises and eyebrow. “Zayn is? I’ve seen you tear up while singing that song, Tommo, and I don’t think it’s just because you’re sad about Zayn’s breakup.” Louis laughs and leans his head on Harry’s chest again, neither confirming nor denying it, just listening to Harry laugh at him for a little while.

“So you’re telling me I’m going to have this fine piece of man all to myself for an entire summer?” Louis asks.

Harry chuckles and shrugs. “If I’m good enough to get any of the internships, yes. Maybe even if I don’t, I’ll just be around to bug all of you.”

Louis squeezes him tight. “You will. You’re brilliant Harry Styles, and anyone who doesn’t see that is hardly worth your time.”

Louis keeps telling Harry that too, especially when Harry starts thinking about the applications early in the morning when he can’t sleep because whenever he closes his eyes all he can see is rejection after rejection and failure. He calls Louis then, and Louis whispers to him about how utterly perfect and smart he is, how he can’t assume he’ll be turned away before he even tries, how if one or two or even all are rejections that’s alright, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with Harry and it doesn’t make him any less intelligent and perfect.

Harry sends the applications out in late February, a few weeks after Louis’ surprise visit. The waiting is almost worse, he thinks, but spring comes and so do the applications. One after another, acceptances and a few rejections here and there, but always more acceptances. And then there’s one that he was sure would never, ever happen, he hardly even thought about it actually. Harry gets that phone call in April and it leaves him sitting on his bed in absolute shock and excitement. And then dread. What does he tell Louis?

Liam and Niall notice Harry’s stressed out because he starts to spend a lot of his time sitting on his bed doing absolutely nothing other than biting at his nails and counting ceiling tiles. It comes to a head one night in the library when Harry and Liam are supposed to be studying. That’s kind of hard to do when Harry has been staring off into space for three minutes straight, however.

“Harry, what’s wrong?” Liam asks, poking the stoic boy with the tip of his pencil.

Harry jumps, covering the loud yelp of surprise with his hand and nearly knocking his coffee all over the table in the process. “N-nothing. Nothing’s wrong why-”

“Haz.”

Harry sighs. He can’t tell Liam before he tells Louis, because then he’d feel even worse about it. So instead he says, “There’s something I’m not telling Louis. It’s not anything bad it’s just…not good I guess.”

“Something you aren’t telling Louis?” Liam’s eyebrows furrow. He wasn’t even sure that was possible honestly.

“Yeah it’s just. I’m afraid it’s gonna make him sad, I guess I don’t know I-”

“Just tell him, Haz,” Liam interrupts softly. “It’s going to eat at you unless you do, you know that, so just get it off your chest. Aren’t you staying at his for spring break anyway?”

Harry nods, bitting at his lip. “Yeah I…yeah. Yeah I’ll tell him.”

“Yeah?” Liam teases. Harry shoves him and they go back to their studying, Liam still chuckling a bit every now and then.

Harry still worries though. It’s stupid he thinks, because he knows Louis isn’t going to be angry or anything, but he still worries that maybe Louis will have had enough by now or something. The worry gets to him to the point where he finds himself sitting on the train to London a week later, reading the same sentence over and over again in his book. His mind is racing too fast to register anything it’s seeing, so he ends up stuffing the book into his bag and watching out the window instead.

There’s a body guard waiting for him at the station instead of Louis which makes Harry’s heart sink. He had kind of been hoping to hold Louis’ hand while he drove, feel the steady pulse beneath his fingertips in an attempt to calm himself, but instead he’s shown to a nondescript black car where he has to resist the urge to hit his head off the window a few times.

Harry doesn’t have to miss Louis for long though, because as soon as he jiggles his key into the lock, the door is swung open and Louis is barreling into his chest. When he realizes Louis’ crying, Harry panics. He steps into the flat slowly, dragging his bag behind him and trying not to stir Louis too much.

“I’m so sorry Harry, they wouldn’t let me come pick you up,” Louis cries in Harry’s shirt. “I’m such a shit boyfriend, I’m sorry.”

“He’s been crying for at least an hour.” Josh calls. Harry looks up and sees him and Zayn sitting on the couch looking relieved at Harry’s arrival.

Louis pulls back and shoots the both of them a scathing look. “I was not!” His puffy eyes and sniffling say otherwise.

“Lou, what’s wrong?” Harry murmurs. All the worrying he’s been doing for the past two weeks is completely replaced by worry for Louis, who has fresh new tears streaking down his cheeks now.

“S’stupid.” Louis murmurs, wiping at his eyes with his sleeves roughly.

“No it isn’t.” Harry pushes Louis’ hands away and wipes at the boy’s blue eyes more gently with his thumbs. No one should be rough with Louis, Harry thinks, especially not himself and not when he’s clearly upset.

Zayn snorts, pushing himself up off the couch. “Yeah it is.” Harry shoots him a look and Zayn laughs, ambling his way into the kitchen with Josh not too far behind.

Louis, apparently content with the privacy, reaches forward to tangle his fingers with Harry’s. He pushes them around a bit, clinking their promise rings together a few times, before speaking. “I wanted to pick you up, is all. I thought you’d be sad or angry if I weren’t there to get you, like I was too busy for you or something. I really wanted to come get you Hazza, no one would let me. They said if I went there’d be paparazzi, which I guess is true, but still. I wanted to see you right away.”

Harry has to resist cooing at Louis, knowing he’ll just cross his arms and pout about it. He replaces the cooing with kisses until Louis is hiccuping and laughing and his tears are practically nonexistent.

“Nothing to cry over love,” Harry smiles. “I know it wasn’t because you were too busy for me. And guess what, I still love you and I found my way here all by myself.”

Louis rolls his eyes but doesn’t let go or pull back. “You think you’re so funny.”

“I know I am. Hysterical, actually.”

Louis stares at Harry for a moment, just taking him in. He’s so much different now than he was three years ago, not just taller and broader, but more outgoing and less afraid to laugh, less afraid to hold Louis’ hand and tell him what he wants. Louis’s so proud, he tells Harry that constantly but he doubts Harry understands just how proud he is.

“Lou?”

Louis smiles, shaking his head. “C’mon, I made you cupcakes.” He tugs Harry behind him into the kitchen where Josh and Zayn have already started eating the blue frosted desserts.

They all sit around the stools in the kitchen and Harry listens to them talk about the tour and writing for the new album. Harry’s content to listen and laugh along with them, lips stained blue by frosting and dimples never once leaving his cheeks. Louis watches him, wanting to be alone so so badly. He finally manages to convince Josh and Zayn to leave, and drags Harry to the couch to cuddle.

Harry sighs out long and drawn out. “Most of my internships came through.” He says, fighting back the urge to just shut himself up now and pretend it never happened.

Louis looks up at him from where he’s laying across the couch and grins, lighting up his whole face. “Yeah? I told you babe, you’re so smart. Have you decided which one you’re going to pick?”

And that’s just it, Harry thinks to himself. He withholds another sigh, and shrugs. “There’s one but it’s…it’s in Los Angeles.”

“Los Angeles,” Louis frowns. “Like LA? Like California LA?”

Harry can’t stand to look into his eyes anymore, so he nods and shifts to look over at the tv. “Yeah. It’s the best company out of all of them, insanely hard to get into. They only had three slots opened up and my professor convinced me to try. I never thought I’d get it, honestly, that’s why I never said anything but…yeah.” He doesn’t know what else to say honestly, so he leaves it at that.

Louis is quiet for a moment, staring down at their hands which are still loosely intertwined. He knows he shouldn’t be doing this, he shouldn’t be thinking about how much he’d miss Harry if her were thousands of miles away, but he is. He can’t tell Harry that of course, so he pastes on an absolutely ridiculous grin and looks back up.

“Babe, that’s so great! I’m so proud of you!” At least he isn’t lying, Louis figures, but the little voice in the back of his head is viciously protesting all of this.

Harry bites at his lip, looking surprised at Louis’ enthusiasm. “I’m not sure if I’m gonna take it. I want to be here with you but…Lou this is such a big opportunity for me.”

Louis leans forward and kisses Harry’s cheek softly. “Then you damn well better take it, Styles. You hear me? I want you to have every opportunity in the world to do what you love, don’t you dare limit yourself because of me.” Again, not a lie, not even a little bit of a lie, but when Harry grins back and his cheeks dimple and he looks so genuinely happy for Louis’ approval, the voice is screaming  _stay Harry stay, please don’t leave me._

“Yeah? Really?” Harry’s voice is so goddamn pleased that Louis just nods.

“Yeah, plus it won’t be so bad really. We’ll just be recording, I can even fly to see you for a week or two if you wanted.” Harry nods, his grin widening, dimples deepening, and Louis ignores the voice completely, listens instead to Harry jabbering on excitedly about all the places they can visit together and all the things his job is going to allow him to do, and the people he can meet, and on and on, and Louis just grins and kisses him between his words and keeps his mouth shut tightly. He isn’t going to ruin this for Harry by being stupidly clingy and selfish.

Harry leaves in mid-May. After he moves out of his dorm and bids farewell to everyone else Louis practically locks him up in London for a few days, milking the fact that Harry’s going to be gone until August for everything it’s worth. Harry gladly indulges Louis of course, fighting back his own fears about leaving as well.

It’s unreasonably warm for London which already has Louis in an off mood, combine that with the fact that he can hear the paparazzi and girls even from inside the airport and he’s completely on edge. Harry stands there, looking ridiculously small and weighed down by all his bags, his eyebrows pulled together.

Louis catches Harry scratching at his wrists and stops him, tugging him gently in for a kiss. “You’re going to do so well. You don’t need me to stop you, you’re so strong. You can do this.” Harry’s confessed to Louis late at night that he’s worried he might start cutting when he’s away, because in his mind Louis is what stopped it all. He almost refuses to admit that he’s the one holding the cards here, not Louis, and not his addiction.

Harry breathes out slowly, closing his eyes and nodding slowly. “Yeah,” he murmurs. “Yeah I can do it.”

Tears are already welling up in Louis’ eyes at this point. “I love you very, very much. Call me when you land, alright?”

Harry brushes Louis’ fringe back because he won’t get to do it again for awhile. “I love you too. I’m gonna buy a t-shirt with your face on it and wear it around.”

Louis barks out a laugh that only forces more tears out. “Send me pictures.”

They stand there awkwardly for a moment before Harry can’t take it anymore. He surges forward for one more kiss, tugging Louis close by his waist and letting his head rest on the shorter boy’s shoulder and tugging Louis up until he’s on his tiptoes. “M’gonna miss you so much Lou.” He chokes out.

“I’m going to miss you too baby love. I love you so much.” Louis whispers in Harry’s ear, kissing him gently on the forehead and on the cheek. “You have to go baby, you’re gonna miss your flight.”

Harry pulls back and nods, wiping his teary eyes and grabbing all his luggage. “I love you. Bye Louis.”

“Bye Harry.”

Louis watches him go, dragging his suitcase behind him all the way through security until he can’t even be seen anymore. He doesn’t know how long he stands there for with his hand up to his mouth, one arm wrapped around his stomach, but it’s long enough for Paul to come up and give him a small squeeze on the shoulder.

“S’alright Lou, yeah? You love each other and all that, you’ll be fine.”

Louis laughs, wiping at his nose. “Proper romantic you are.” Paul just grins and leads him out to the car.

Harry doesn’t speak to anyone his whole flight, which is a considerably long time actually, but he’s happier this way. There are a few paps at LAX, snapping pictures of a few other D-list celebrities. He catches one or two lazily snapping pictures of him as well, probably because he seems familiar but not familiar enough, and ignores them in favor of looking around wide eyed at California.

The company sent him a taxi, because Harry has no clue where he is, and he spends most of the ride with his face almost pressed to the glass, looking like a starstruck tourist. The flat is downtown, smack in the middle of the city and something Harry thinks Zayn would buy if he were allowed. When he makes it up to the third floor he sees the door propped open by a box and ten men standing in the living room yelling.

“Honestly, why would I be trying to-hey! Harry Styles!” The younger of the two shouts, pointing at Harry and giving him a thumbs up when he nods. “See, look I told you.”

The other man sighs and shows Harry a clipboard, gesturing to it with a pen. “For the boxes, just sign.” He says, sounding exhausted. Harry does, and he promptly leaves.

“Why would I try to take someone else’s boxes in my own goddamn apartment?” The other man shouts after him. He rolls his eyes and nudges the door shut, narrowly missing the wheels of Harry’s suitcase.

“I take it you’re Alex.” Harry says, trying and failing to withhold his laughter. He’d been briefed about the other interns he’d be sharing the flat with, a boy named Alex and a girl named Ella, but wasn’t really told much else. Just from his first impression Harry can see Alex is a bit older, maybe Louis’ age, very tall, with a slight accent that’s hard to place.

Alex grins. “Shit, you’ve got an accent and everything!” He exclaims. “That’s so cool, are you British?” Harry nods and Alex lets out a loud laugh, his shoulders shaking with the loudness of it. “Fuck, they’ll eat you up over here.”

Harry scratches the back of his neck nervously, looking the flat over. It’s rather large which he finds surprising, but then again the cities he’s used to are more compact. There’s a large living room with a couch already in it that leads to a kitchen, and a hallway with a few doors on either side.

“Did you happen to find a box with a mobile in it?” Harry asks after he’s finished surveying.

Alex frowns, looking around as well, before it clicks. “No, yeah, you mean a cell phone right? Here.” He reaches for one of the smaller boxes on the couch and tosses it over to Harry.

Harry pries it open and rolls his eyes when he sees the newest iPhone there. Louis had called it a going away present, along with paying for the phone bill itself, and gave Harry no chance to refuse it. Smiling fondly, Harry runs his finger over the screen and switches it on.

“I’ve gotta make a call, just a minute yeah?” Harry says, putting his suitcases and the empty box down. Alex nods and drops down next to a box that must be his, cutting it open with a pair of scissors and starting to go through it.

Louis’ phone goes to voicemail and Harry realizes that it must be the middle of the night back home. He leaves a short message, smile still on his face. “Hey babe, just wanted to call and let you know I’m here at the flat and everything, no sudden flash mobs or teenage girls with pitchforks so you know, I figure I’m alright. Call me when you wake up, alright? Love you.”

“Girlfriend?” Alex asks. Harry glances over and sees him pulling a sock out of his box and looking at it with a frown as if he has no idea where it’s come from.

“Boyfriend.” Harry says, figuring he might as well get it out now.

Alex doesn’t even look up, just tosses the sock back in the box and moving on to a shirt. “That sucks, what’s the time difference? It’s gotta be bad right?”

Harry wasn’t sure what he was expecting really, maybe an explosion of some sort, or a flashback to his days spent hiding from Tom. He’s so taken aback that it takes him a few moments to answer. “S’like 8 hours I think.”

“Shut dude, I’m sorry,” Alex says, shooting Harry an apologetic look. “And here I am worried about my mother calling me from New York.”

“New York like the city?” Harry asks, placing the accent now.

“I think I might have accidentally stolen my roommates clothes,” Alex mutters, tugging on a beanie and frowning to himself. “But yeah, anyway Brooklyn born and raised. Have you ever been?”

“Once, last years. It was only for a couple nights though, my boyfriend he um…he travels a lot for his job.” Harry figures he should probably leave the whole _my boyfriend’s an international rock star_  thing out, at least until they know each other better.

They launch into trading stories about university and their lives as they move boxes into their respective rooms. Harry learns Alex is 21, a music production major like Harry, who lives and studies in New York City with his two little brothers. He’s very funny, Harry finds, and loves to joke around and randomly break into song, something he’s actually very good at.

When Ella arrives Harry’s plan is shot to hell. She shakes both of their hands but pauses when she gets to Harry, and he can see it happening. The vague recognition, then the moment of doubt, and then-

“Wait, don’t I know you from somewhere?” She asks slowly.

Harry pushes his fringe back and nods. “Um, do you listen to One Direction at all?” He never knows what to say when this sort of thing happens honestly. A part of him always wants to back out, while the other part is so proud of Louis and the boys he wants to shout about it from the rooftops or something.

It seems to click on Ella’s face and she gasps. “Harry Styles, you said? Louis Tomlinson’s boyfriend!”

Harry blushes a bit, but nods. “Yeah, that’s me. I’m Harry.”

“Oh my god, no one is ever going to believe this,” Ella laughs. “I read this interview once where he told the story of how he met you, it was so cute!”

Harry laughs. “He always makes it out to be a lot more dramatic than it actually was.”

Ella just giggles and launches into a story about seeing the band in concert over the fall back home in Canada. Harry just nods politely and ignores the strange looks Alex keeps giving him from where he’s sat on the couch. Finally Ella seems to realize that Harry is incredibly jet lagged from his flight, so she lets him be, talking Alex into helping her carry boxes into her own room.

“So your boyfriend,” Alex says casually. “He’s like, famous?”

Harry shrugs. “Yeah, him and his band.”

Alex nods, leaning on a stack of boxes. He crosses his arms and stares, grey eyes looking stormy and thoughtful. “That’s gotta suck right? I mean, people follow you guys around don’t they, photographers and stuff? You’ve always gotta worry about what others think of you.”

“It’s not all that bad,” Harry says, which isn’t a lie, because it really isn’t usually that bad. “It’s cool to meet people, watch the boys perform. I love Louis so I’d do anything for him, it’s worth it.”

It starts in that moment. Alex plants the seed of doubt in Harry’s mind with a careless laugh and nudge of Harry’s shoulder on his way out of the room. Harry stands for a moment, staring around the living room aimlessly, until he comes to his senses and heads back into his room. It’s only mid-afternoon in Los Angeles but Harry’s still on UK time, so he ends up falling asleep almost instantly on his new bed

He wakes up a little before noon the next morning but figures that’s alright, he still has a couple days before the internship starts to get on a normal sleeping schedule. Louis however doesn’t seem to understand the concept of a time difference.

_are you sleeping love ? x_

_my poor baby has jet lag :( xx._

_call me when u wake up ok i love you xx._

_are you feeling poorly :(((( i know u hate plane rides xx._

_ill stay up until you call ok dont worry about the time i love you xxxxxxxxx_

Along with the text messages come a few missed calls from Louis, as well as a few texts from the other boys and his mum. He answers those first, assuring everyone he’s safe and sound in LA, before checking the time and deciding it’s probably safe to call Louis.

“Harry!” Louis answers after barely two rings. Harry gets the mental image of Louis in bed with ice cream, his phone glued to his hand just waiting for Harry to call while he watches Doctor Who reruns even though he hates Doctor Who with a passion. He isn’t too far off really, except Louis’s on the couch.

Harry smiles and rolls over onto his back, groaning a bit. “Hey Lou, I’m alive.”

“I figured as much, Haz. How are you feeling? Are you sick from the flight? You’re probably so tired, aren’t you baby love?” In London, Louis shovels another spoonful of ice cream into his mouth and pouts at the picture he’s created in his mind of Harry practically on his deathbed, crying out for Louis in his sleepiest and sickest voice. “Do you need me to fly over there? I can push recording back a week, you know the boys wouldn’t mind-”

“Louis, calm down I’m fine,” Harry chuckles. “I’m a little tired, yeah. It’s nothing for you to be worrying yourself over.”

Harry pulls himself out of bed and pads out of the room. The flat is completely silent, the only sign of life being a piece of paper on the kitchen island saying, _Hey! Went to get groceries and you were still sleeping, be back soon!! -Ella & Alex _and a few pairs of womens shoes stacked up by the door. Harry finds himself wondering who owns more pairs of Toms, Ella or Louis. He walks over to the couch and sits down, tucking his feet up under himself and waiting for Louis to start talking.

“So I think we need to talk about something,” Louis says slowly. It probably would have been easier for him to text Harry about it, but he would have felt horrible. This is a conversation they need to actually have, Louis decides, nervousness or not.

Harry frowns. He could sense something was off with Louis, but he didn’t think it’d be something dramatic enough to warrant a “talk”. “Okay? What is it, Lou?”

Louis glances over at his still open laptop and cringes when he sees the pictures again. “Do you need security babe? Don’t lie to me alright, because I saw the pictures and it would literally take me half a second to call someone up for you if you needed it, but I wanted to talk to you first. I don’t want to force any of this on you.”

Harry is quiet for a moment. “What are you talking about?” he asks slowly. “Like a body guard? You want me to get a body guard?”

His tone is so shocked that it makes Louis nervous so starts speaking double time, words falling out of his mouth one after another almost uncontrollably. “I just-I saw these pictures of you coming out of the airport and I thought like…they’re so close to you Haz, they shouldn’t be allowed to get that close to you. And then I started thinking what if they follow you to your flat, or work, or if you go out and someone hurts you and…” Louis trails off, unable to continue with that particular thought.

Louis refrains from mentioning how seeing the pictures of Harry splashed all over gossip sites made his stomach churn. Just the thought of someone finding  _his_ boy and mobbing him with flashing lights without any protection has Louis practically booking himself a flight to LA right then and there. Harry never really had to deal with paparazzi back home unless he went out with Louis or the boys, and when that happened there was always the band’s security, always Louis’ hand to squeeze, or Zayn’s shoulder to lean on, or Josh’s jokes to laugh at. Harry never had to do it by himself.

And then there’s Louis’ biggest fear; a hate crime. He isn’t stupid, he knows that people don’t approve of his relationship with Harry, and that’s fine, but it suddenly isn’t fine anymore when his twitter feed is full of comments on the pictures from assholes who want nothing more than to hurt Harry. It isn’t fine when Louis’ mind is suddenly full of thoughts of Harry being alone, dealing with words slung at him from paps, shoves sneakily given, maybe even worse.

“No one followed me though sweetheart,” Harry’s calm voice breaks through Louis’ worrying. “They really didn’t even recognize me I don’t think, only a few of them took pictures. I probably wouldn’t have even noticed them if I wasn’t looking.”

Louis drops his head into his hands and sighs out something verging on a sob. “I don’t want you to get hurt.” His voice breaks halfway through and a tear sneaks out until he wipes at his cheeks.

Harry closes his eyes and sighs. “Oh Louis,” he murmurs. “Baby, I’m not going to get hurt.”

“People hate me,” Louis says bitterly. “People hate me enough to send me death threats in the mail, and you know I try not to let it bother me but the minute something like that is directed at you, I’m going to be bothered. Please promise me if it gets bad you’ll let me call someone out there for you.”

The door swings open and Harry looks up to see Alex and Ella coming in carrying a few grocery bags. Ella gives Harry a quick finger wave and follows Alex into the kitchen with the bags.

“I will love, I promise,” Harry says, turning back to the phone. “Just try not to worry about it okay?”

“Of course I’m going to worry about you Harry, I always worry about you.”

Harry smiles. “You’re gonna get wrinkles.”

“Shutup, don’t make me laugh, I’m upset.” Louis grumbles, but Harry can hear the smile in his voice.

“I’d still love you even if you did have wrinkles, you know.”

Louis full out laughs at that, wiping his tears away. “I do have wrinkles you idiot, by my eyes.”

“Crinkles, not wrinkles. I love those the most,” Harry laughs back. He listens to Louis laugh on the other line with a content smile. “I miss you already.”

Louis sighs, looking down at his now melting half-eaten tub of ice cream. “I miss you too, love. I just ate almost an entire pint of ice cream by myself, I might call the boys over to finish it since you aren’t here,” Realizing he sounds a bit whiny, he tries a new tactic. “How’s LA so far? Do you like your flatmates?”

“Yeah it’s really nice, sunny and stuff…I haven’t gotten to see much of it really, I’ve been trying to sleep off the jetlag,” Harry says, looking over to the kitchen where Ella and Alex are joking around as they put the groceries away. “And I like them a lot yeah. They’re really cool so far.”

Ella looks up, eyes wide. “Is that Louis Tomlinson?”

“Yes it’s Louis Tomlinson,” Harry chuckles. “You wanna say hi?”

Her face pales and she suddenly looks incredibly nervous. “Are you sure?” Alex has to cover his laugh with his hand when Harry nods and she starts to walk over slowly.

“Babe, my flatmate Ella wants to say hi.”

“Awesome, put her on, I want to talk to her too.”

Ella takes the phone cautiously, saying a quiet hello and being dragged into her normal self almost instantly. Harry just smiles at how Louis is able to draw everyone in in under a few seconds just by being himself. Charming is how Harry would describe him if he knew Louis wouldn’t use that statement against him.

When Ella gives the phone back she’s laughing. “He told me not to let you drink vodka because it makes you sick, but you’ll still drink it if everyone else is.” She says, matter of factly.

“Louis, you can’t just  _tell_  people stuff like that!” Harry practically shouts, his voice going up an octave and cheeks burning. Ella is laughing uncontrollably by now, dropping down onto the couch. “I am so done with you Louis Tomlinson.”

Louis snickers. “You’ll never be down with me, Harry Styles,” Harry has nothing to say to that, because it’s true, and instead just starts laughing. “I have to go baby love, we start recording early tomorrow, I’ll call you alright? I love you.”

“I love you too. Say hi to everyone for me.” Harry hangs up. Ella is still giggling slightly at his side.

“He’s so cute.”

“He’s a worrier, never believe a word he says.” Harry rolls his eyes and stands up.

Alex tosses him a bag of crisps when he walks into the kitchen and Harry starts to help him put the rest of the groceries away. “I had a boyfriend like that too once. He was way too clingy though,” Alex says, nonchalantly outing himself. “How long have you two been together?”

“It was three years this April.”

Alex’s eyebrows shoot up at this. “Damn, that’s forever. You’re so young too, doesn’t that get…I dunno, stifling?”

Harry shakes his head. He’s never thought about it that way, in terms of how long three years really is, it’s just always felt right to him. He can’t imagine a life without Louis at this point honestly. “No, it’s alright. It’s not like we’re constantly together or anything.”

“Yeah, I bet not.” Alex laughs.

Harry doesn’t get the chance to ask what he means because Alex and Ella are both launching into a list of places they want to visit today. Harry goes along with it and before he realizes what’s happening, the three of them are piling into Alex’s car and driving around Los Angeles. They venture out further, taking pictures, doing one of those horribly cheesy celebrity tour buses, and pretending not to notice when paparazzi shout Louis’ name at Harry and snap a few photos when the three of them pass on their way to get dinner.

Los Angeles is much sunnier and hotter than London for sure, but Harry notices the people almost seem happier here, less drowned out by the rain and the ever present grey haze. When they drive down to the beach Harry thinks about Louis on holiday jumping through the waves and tanning, and it suddenly hits him that they’re quite literally oceans away from one another. Alex seems to notice Harry’s eyebrows pulling together and his lips turning down and doesn’t allow it, shoving a Carona into the younger boy’s hand and demanding they take some more pictures for his instagram.

In grey, rainy London, Louis Zayn and Josh are in the recording studio and Louis is attached to his phone, frown firmly placed on his lips. They’re supposed to be taking a break for lunch but Louis can’t stop staring at his phone long enough to even consider his sandwich.

“It’s not like I don’t want him to have fun-”

“You don’t want him to have fun with someone that fit.” Josh finishes.

Louis rolls his eyes but doesn’t say protest. He clicks on one of the pictures Harry had sent him last night again, this one with the caption  _my flatmate alex and I and the beach isnt it preeeeeeetty loubear?_ and Louis can’t help but to think that the beach it’s the only pretty part. Alex would absolutely tower over Louis if they were to meet, seeing as how he dwarfs Harry in the picture. It doesn’t help at all that he’s shirtless with perfect abs, and perfect hair, and perfect face, and for some reason Louis is finding this all very intimidating.

“Lou, I found that kid’s twitter,” Zayn pipes up from the other end of the small couch. “Hazza’s on it.” He motions to his laptop and that’s all it takes for Louis to climb up and over Josh, ignoring when he protests, and peek at the screen.

Sure enough, there on @alex_in_brooklyn’s twitter is a very giggly Harry, Alex, and a girl who must be Ella, standing with the Holywood sign just barely visible behind them. “Look how attractive my roommates are, it’s going to be a good summer hashtag charm and curls.” Josh reads over Louis’ shoulder in a horrible attempt at a Southern accent. Louis and Zayn have tried explaining to him that not every American is Southern, but he still hasn’t gotten over it.

“I don’t like him.” Louis decides, pulling back and crossing his arms over his chest.

Zayn laughs. “Don’t sulk Lou, you look like one of your sisters.”

“I’m not sulking!” But of course, he is sulking. He sees Zayn following Alex on twitter and gasps. “Zayn Malik! You’re my friend, you’re supposed to be on my side.”

Zayn rolls his eyes and shuts the laptop. “Louis, there aren’t any sides he’s Harry’s friend. Do you want me to stop talking to Ni and Liam too?”

Louis rolls his eyes right back, sticking his tongue out as well. “Don’t be stupid, you know that’s different.”

“Good, because they’re both coming down for the weekend and we’re all going out. If you’re going to be this miserable all summer then we’re getting at least one more night of fun out of you.”

“Zayn-”

“Boys, we need you back in the booth in five.” An assistant interrupts. Zayn and Josh both jump up and leave Louis on the couch alone, still frowning, still with his arms crossed.

He ends up following Alex on twitter only a few moments later, justifying it as wanting to be involved in Harry’s life. He definitely does not get jealous when Alex tweets a picture a few hours later of Harry in the middle of a convenience store, lips dusted with bright yellow crumbs, and making a cute disgusted face saying  _harrys never had twinkies before haha! #britsarestrange_

All he does is text Harry a quick, _I love you so much beautiful boy_ , and continue on with his day. He’s not jealous, there’s no reason to be jealous. Being jealous would just be ridiculous.

Louis continues to be not-jealous for about a month until he finally has enough time off to take a week and go see Harry. He’s absolutely ecstatic about it of course, he misses Harry like crazy and Skype just does not do that boy any justice. It certainly does not help that most conversations with Harry descend into talking about Alex. Alex, who is apparently a saint, so funny, so smart, so talented, so much fun to be around, and so perfect.

Louis isn’t exactly sure how he manages to make the ten hour flight without bursting into tears, but it only lasts until he gets out of the terminal and sees Harry with his ray bans, chewing on his red lips, and bouncing on the tips of his toes. Louis barely notices the photographers, or the security his management team had insisted on, or Alex and Ella standing at Harry’s side when he starts running.

Harry catches him around the waist and laughs, burying his head into the crook of Louis’ neck. “Baby.” Louis cries, grabbing on Harry’s t-shirt in his fists.

Harry’s chuckles echoes through his chest and Louis smiles, pressing himself closer. “Your security is having a heart attack over there.”

Louis turns back and laughs when he sees Kevin, the body guard that was sent with him, attempting to pick up Louis’ dropped luggage and follow. “I’m sorry!” he calls back. “I should go help him, I’m such a twat.”

“Hmm, no you should kiss me,” Harry teases. “Get up here and kiss me, Tomlinson.

Louis obliges, wrapping his arms around Harry’s neck and lifting up in his tip toes to press their lips together softly, ignoring the fact that they’re both crying. “You got taller, I swear.” Louis whispers against Harry’s lips.

“Nu-uh, you got shorter.”

Louis pulls back and fakes a gasp. “Harry Styles! What has America done to my sweet boy with his compliments and his ‘I don’t care that you’re practically a midget’ comments?”

Harry shrugs and kisses Louis once more on the cheek, before pulling away. “M’different now Lou. I’m gonna get myself a Californian accent and everything, no one’s going to recognize me back home by fall.” Louis bites his lip, keeping himself from saying that’s his worst fear, and instead busies himself with the task at hand. Alex.

He’s even more attractive and intimidating in person. He’s looking Louis over with a smirk and that puts Louis’ on edge instantly. Harry is blissfully unaware and just grins, tugging Louis in close to his side. “Lou, this is Ella, and this is Alex. Guys, this is Louis.”

Alex’s smirk turns into a full out grin. “The infamous Louis Tomlinson,” he says. “Let me just get my Seventeen magazine out so you can sign it.”

“Alex.” Harry laughs, like it was hilarious and not rude.

Louis forces laughter as well until all three of them are looking at him strangely and he stops. Kevin comes up with Louis’ suitcase, looking flustered. “Fuck, Kevin I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.”

Kevin just smiles and nods a hello to Harry. “S’alright, as long as you don’t plan on making it a habit.”

“So you just carry his stuff for him?” Alex asks.

Louis narrows his eyes. “No. He isn’t a servant, he’s a body guard.”

“Ooh, a body guard huh? Teenage girls can be vicious.”

Louis chooses to ignore him and instead tugs Harry towards the door. The five of them all walk out of the airport, Harry and Louis shooting the paparazzi and girls lined up out there wary looks, and Alex grinning like this is the best day of his life.

“We have my car, unless you have some sort of private jet or a limo-”

“Your car will be more than fine.” Louis snaps, stopping Alex before he can continue. Harry looks at him in surprise and Louis softens his smile. Kevin excuses himself to find a cab to his hotel, checking and double checking to make sure Louis has his number, before letting Louis climb into Alex’s dinky backseat with Harry.

Ella is incredibly sweet and Louis loves her. She’s curious without trying to pry and honestly loves the band, not just their faces. She reveals to Louis that Harry’s been teaching her to play Alex’s guitar and she’s learning a few of their songs. Harry watches the exchange with the cutest pleased look on his face, squeezing Louis’ hand every so often and leaning his head on Louis’ shoulder. It’s almost painful how Harry wants them all to get along, and it shouldn’t be really, except Alex keeps throwing snarky comments in and Harry keeps laughing at them.

Harry drags Louis around the flat by his hand, showing him his room with all the pictures of them around, and making him eat a twinkie. Louis stares at it after he takes a bite with complete disbelief and says, “I honestly don’t know what to think about this.” Harry doesn’t stop laughing for five minutes.

Somehow it ends up that Harry and Ella run out to pick up something for dinner, and Louis and Alex are left sitting awkwardly on the couch, alone.

“So Harry’s a nice kid.” Alex says, finally.

Louis, who has been tapping around on his phone with no real goal, looks up and raises an eyebrow. “Uh…yeah, he is.” He says, unsure of what Alex wants to hear.

Alex winks at Louis and chuckles. “He’s cute too.”

At that one little comment, Louis freezes up and falls silent until Harry returns home. A sudden possessiveness surges through him and he finds himself climbing all over the boy, showing just how jealous he is. Eventually they settle onto the couch, Louis sitting in Harry’s lap with his arms around Harry’s middle, moving only to nibble at the pizza they’ve brought home. He closes his eyes and listens to Harry’s heartbeat for a little while, ignoring the looks he can feel Alex is giving him.

“Missed you so much.” Louis murmurs.

“So now you kinda get how Harry feels, right?” Alex says casually. “I mean, you go off on tours all the time and leave him home alone.”

Louis snaps his head up and turns to look at Alex, scowling. “I do not leave him home alone all the time, he’s at uni, and when he isn’t at uni he’s with me or with his family. Harry isn’t my pet, he’s my boyfriend.”

Alex puts his hands up in mock surrender. “Whatever, calm down it was just an observation.

Ella shoots Alex a look, shaking her head. “Alex stop it.” She hisses under her breath. Alex does stop, but not before laughing loudly and making Harry hold even tighter onto Louis for the rest of the night.

When they finally retreat to Harry’s room, Louis’s on top of him, sucking marks onto his neck and digging his fingers into Harry’s side. Harry closes his eyes and moans until Louis doesn’t stop, just becomes more aggressive with it.

“Louis hey. Baby, baby, stop,” Harry pushes him away gently and crouches down a bit. “Louis, what’s wrong? It’s alright, tell me what’s the matter.” He whispers, brushing Louis’ fringe back.

“I missed you.” Louis says, refusing to meet Harry’s eyes.

Harry smiles and shakes his head. “I missed you too love, just not enough to attack you I guess. Tell me what’s really going on.”

Louis huffs out a sigh, hating how childish this is going to sound. “I don’t like him.”

Harry frowns and takes Louis’ by the hand, pulling him down onto the bed. “Alex?” Louis nods. “I know he’s kind of sarcastic Lou, but really I think he likes you.”

“Likes me?” Louis lets out a very unattractive snort and shakes his head. “He hates me. He hate mes because he likes you.”

Harry doesn’t understand how attractive he is, Louis knows that. Years of therapy have brought him to a place where he can appreciate and understand the compliments Louis and others pay him, but he honestly has no clue what he seems like to other people. Harry has no clue that he draws everyone in with that dimpled grin and his innocent eyes and his slow as syrup way of speaking. He doesn’t even notice that everywhere he goes people turn to look, he doesn’t notice that the people lucky enough to call him their friend are so in love with him just for being himself. Harry doesn’t get that, and so he shakes his head and laughs.

“Lou, Alex is just a friend.”

Louis raises an eyebrow. “Yeah well, most friends don’t sit there and berate their  _friends_  boyfriends just for fun.” He doesn’t mention the fact that Alex called him cute, because he knows that would only embarrass Harry and he still has almost two months left living with Alex.

“That was out of line what he said to you Louis, about leaving me alone. I’m sorry if you think that’s true, it isn’t.”

“It is though which is the worst part.” Louis mutters, unable to keep the bitterness out of his tone. The guilt he feels when he goes on tour is always, always worse than any time spent apart. Harry doesn’t understand that though really, because Louis is doing what he loves and Harry still gets to see him. When Harry opens his mouth to say this, Louis stops him. “I don’t want to fight, not tonight baby. I missed you.”

Before Harry can try to dispute that too, Louis is leaning forward and kissing him again, licking his way into Harry’s mouth and grinning when it elicits a moan from the younger boy. “Did you miss me too, baby?” Louis murmurs, trailing a hand down Harry’s chest and running a finger along the waistband of his jeans.

Harry nods. “Mhm, missed you. Want you so bad, Lou. Always want you.”

Louis grins and kisses the edge of Harry’s cheekbone, trailing kisses down until he’s nipping a love bite just under the boy’s jaw. “What do you want, sweetheart? Tell me what you want.”

“You,” Harry breathes, his voice raspy with need. “I want you.”

“You’ve got me,” Louis smiles and unbuckles Harry’s jeans, tugging them until Harry can kick them off. “Such a good boy.” Harry’s eyes flutter shut at the praise and Louis’ smile doesn’t leave his face once all night.

“Hey Lou?” Harry murmurs. Louis glances over and sees Harry snuggling deep under the covers, reaching for Louis until their legs are tangled together and his curls are just tickling the older boy’s chin.

“What is it, baby?”

Harry looks up, green eyes flashing in the moonlight from the window. “I haven’t wanted to…I haven’t felt like I needed to cut since February.”

Louis smiles and tangles his fingers in Harry’s curls, brushing over his cheekbones. “I’m so proud of you Harry, you’re doing so well,” Harry blushes and tries to look away but Louis stops him. “You have so much to be proud of. You’re so strong.”

“You make me strong.” Harry murmurs. Pride bursts through Louis chest and he pulls Harry closer, nuzzling his face into Harry’s curls and falling asleep.

The trouble doesn’t really start to occur until Louis’ week is up. Neither of them know it, but the last kiss they share in the airport terminal may very well become their last kiss period. They still text and call each other just as much as they ever did, but Harry notices Louis becoming more and more distant. When he asks about it, Zayn and Josh tell him it’s because a few of their songs were shot down and refusing to have songwriters means they’ve practically locked themselves up in Louis’ flat to try to write something. Harry tries to believe that’s the only reason.

Not letting the situation with Louis get him own, Harry throws himself into his internship, especially enjoying when he gets to shadow the music producers at the company for a day, seeing how they work. It’s nothing he ever could have learned sitting in a classroom back home and Harry is so grateful for that. When he isn’t working, he’s with Ella and Alex who keep talking him into going out clubbing with them until Harry realizes he likes it. He never did much back home or when he was younger, for obvious reasons, but he loves it now. He loves going to nightclubs, getting inexcusably drunk, having a good time, and forgetting the fact that he and Louis haven’t had an actual conversation in a few weeks.

Louis sees. He sees it on Alex’s twitter because he’s constantly on twitter now that he has so many followers- _because of Harry_ , Louis will always say bitterly, _because he’s using my boyfriend for popularity_ -he sees it in the papers, he sees it when Liam starts sending him pictures and asking if Harry looks depressed or if it’s just him. Louis doesn’t say a word about it to Harry and he ignores when his publicist says it’s not good for the bands image to have Harry in the papers partying, because it’s Harry’s life. He’s 20 and he should be out having fun regardless of who his boyfriend is, and regardless of whether or not Louis likes who he’s hanging around with.

So Louis says nothing, until the beginning of July directly after a very awkward interview that leaves him fuming. The host had asked him why he doesn’t follow his boyfriend on twitter and what he thinks of all the hate Harry gets, and Louis had no answer because to his knowledge, Harry doesn’t have a twitter. He never really wanted one even before Louis became famous, though he did make one when he was about sixteen only going so far as to change to bio to “Hiiiiiii I’m Harry” and never actually posting anything.

Alex found it and asked Harry about it one night and when Harry told him the whole story, Alex had frowned and said, “So Louis doesn’t want you to have a twitter?”

“No, it’s not that,” Harry had said, rolling his eyes. “It’s just that I’d get so much hate, you know? Everyone hates me for dating him in the first place, it’d only get worse if they had a way of contacting me.”

“You should use it, you know like document your time here and stuff,” Alex said. “Don’t let him control you like that, H.”

“He isn’t controlling me-”

Alex had laughed ant this and shaken his head. “Right, right, I know ‘he just worries’. Saint Louis never does anything wrong. Tell me if you want to use it though, I’ll be your first follower.”

Later that night Harry had uploaded a picture of Louis and himself as his icon and tweeted  _heeeyy first tweet whats a hashtag?_ and Alex was his first follower out of thousands.

Louis practically storms out of the room after the interview in search of Zayn’s laptop which he never goes anywhere without. Sure enough, there’s @harry_styles tweeting about going grocery shopping with Ella.

“Did either of you know?” Louis asks the other boys softly when they finally catch up to him.

Josh frowns. “I had no clue, but you know how the fake accounts are Lou-”

“It’s him, I know it’s him, he’s had this forever.” Louis murmurs. It feels almost like a dream when he sees a tweet simply saying _:(_  in reply to someone else’s tweet saying _ur a fucking faggot stay away frmo louis hes miiiiine_  because it’s surreal to even think about Harry seeing someone talk about him that way. People are hurting Harry and Louis can’t do a damn thing about it.

“Li says they didn’t know about it either.” Zayn mutters, not looking up from his phone. “He’s only been tweeting since last night their time though, could be why he hasn’t said anything yet.”

Louis checks the time and immediately calls Harry because it’s late in Los Angeles, but he’ll still be up. He sends the other two an apologetic look and asks to take a car home, all the while waiting for Harry to pick up.

“Hey Loubear, how was your interview?” Harry answers perkily.

“Baby, why didn’t you tell me about your twitter?”

Harry falls silent. He’s sitting at dinner at some sushi place with a few of his friends from work, and he kind of doesn’t want to have this conversation right now. “I just started using it, that’s all. I didn’t think you’d care.”

Louis pushes over his eyes with his thumb and forefinger until he sees stars. “I thought we’d agreed that this probably wasn’t a good idea, Hazza. I saw what those people have been saying to you, are you alright?”

The others at the table are looking at him now, probably noticing how flustered he’s getting Harry excuses himself to the bathroom, ignoring when Alex calls after him. “I’m alright, really. I just wanted to have it, everyone else around here does and Alex thought it’d be cool to like show me in LA and stuff. When I leave I can always have it, you know?”

Louis feels so stupid because of course this was Alex’s idea. Alex who Louis is almost completely sure is using Harry just for twitter followers and to jerk around a bit. He doesn’t say that though because he doesn’t want Harry to feel bad, and Louis isn’t going to control who Harry’s friends with.

“Just…just be careful okay? Don’t reply to it and please don’t go looking for any hate. I know that you’re going to pretend it doesn’t bother you but if it’s too much, please don’t keep going.”

“I won’t.”

“You promise?”

“I promise.” Harry says catching himself smiling in the mirror. Alex has no idea what he’s talking about, Harry thinks, Louis isn’t controlling he’s just caring. Louis cares about him, even if Harry still has that doubt in his mind.

Louis sighs. “Alright baby. I’m going to go tweet my embarrassing love for you all over the internet now.”

Harry laughs. “Okay, I’m going back to dinner then. Don’t be too embarrassing please.”

Louis smiles down at his hands and ignores the tears welling up in the corners of his eyes. “Harry I love you so much. Please don’t ever forget that.”

“I won’t,” Harry promises. “I love you too, Louis.”

They hang up and Louis cries for a bit, though he isn’t entirely sure what he’s crying about. Something just doesn’t feel right at all between himself and Harry and he has no idea why, or how to fix it. He feels helpless. Harry stares at his phone for a minute or so, feeling the same way, until he texts Niall and asks him how he thinks he would do smoking weed.

Not well is the answer. Harry, Alex, and a few of the friends from the restaurant, pass a bowl around a few times in their apartment and harry is suddenly deeply in love with everyone and everything.

“I love you!” he shouts to the paparazzi outside the club they’re walking into. “Even if you’re a pack of fucking wankers, I still love you!”

The paparazzi and his friends all laugh and the camera flashes intensify when Harry attempts to curtsy and ends up toppling over and laughing on the ground until he cries. He tweets from his phone a slew of observations, from what color the sky would be if the ocean were pink like that lake in Australia, to how much he loves to color of Louis’ eyes because of how much they resemble the oceans and the sky, to finally just how much he loves everyone in the world in general.

Louis sees it happening and ignores it. Liam calls him the next day, presumably to talk about how Harry laying in the middle of the street has made the front page of most gossip sites and papers, and Louis ignores that too. He can’t ignore Anne though, who calls him only a few hours after Liam does sounding insanely worried.

“I’ll talk to him,” he says softly, trying to calm her down a bit. “Honestly, he’s jut having a bit of fun. If he were anyone else in the world no one would even care, he’s just acting like a normal uni student.”

Anne sighs. “I just worry. He’s my baby and he’s all the way in America with people I don’t know and then I see these pictures…” She trails off into tears and Louis’ chest aches. “I’m so happy he has you Louis. As long as you think he’s okay, I know he is.”

Louis closes his eyes and swallows past his tears. “Thank you Anne, that really means a lot to me. I’m coming up to visit my mum and the girls in a few weeks, I’ve been meaning t ask you if you wanted to come to dinner maybe? You and my mum haven’t gossiped properly about us in ages.”

This gets Anne to calm down a bit and they start making plans, all the while Louis is thinking of what to say to Harry. He settles with just a simple text saying;  _love, you’re worrying your mother, she just called me crying. maybe slow down a bit yeah? try going somewhere with less paps and dont tweet and smoke ;) love you xxx_

He makes it sound as casual as he can when all he really wants to do is demand to know if Harry’s alright and if this is all Alex’s doing. Biting at his lip, he sends out another text.

_call me when u wakeup baby im worried x_

Harry doesn’t call. He means to, really, but ends up having a long conversation with his mother about his “behavior” and after that Ella and Alex drag him out for the Fourth of July and Louis’ message just seems to sort of get lost in his phone. Harry’s reply is simple, busy babe ill call later love you but later never comes.

Louis hasn’t spoken to Harry in almost a week and he pretends like that’s fine. They text each other random I love you’s, but that’s it. Whenever Louis wants to skype of call or have an actual conversation, Harry’s busy. Whenever Harry has free time, Louis’s busy.

Niall is the one to give the ultimatum, which is strange because it’s Niall and he’s supposed to be their happy go lucky friend. He’s far from happy go luck however when he storms into Louis’ flat using his emergency key late one Sunday and starts shouting.

“Tomlinson, get off your ass and do something about this?”

Louis looks up from his takeaway and raises his eyebrows. “Well hello Horan,” Louis says, his voice a little croaky from recording and nearly constant crying. “Are we referring to everyone by last name now? Because I refuse to spend the rest of my days calling Josh,  _Devine_.”

Niall tosses a paper to Louis with Harry on the front. He looks stoned out of his mind, arm slung around Alex’s shoulders, other hand flipping the paparazzi off.  **Rockstar Boyfriend Off The Rails**  the headline says, and Louis thinks they could have done better.

“He’s not fucking okay and you need to do something about it,” Niall practically growls, suspiciously resembling an angry mother bear. “You’re his boyfriend and you aren’t even talking to each other. Something is wrong with Harry.”

“He’s just-”

“No,” Niall snaps. “Don’t try and tell me he’s just having fun. This isn’t our Harry. Look me in the eyes and tell me you think that this is just our Harry having fun and letting go Lou, because it isn’t. He’s supposed to be coming home by the end of next month and he told me he might try to stay longer. Louis.”

It hurts even more to hear Niall confirm everything Louis’ been thinking, to know that his worst fears are actually being realized and someone else sees it too. “Nialler, I don’t know what to do,” he says softly. “He won’t answer when I call and he…I think he likes Alex better than he ever liked me anyway. I’m just waiting for him to end it. Everyday feels like I’m inching towards the day Harry finally calls me up and says it’s over.” Louis stops talking and dissolves into body wracking sobs.

Niall sits down next to him and pulls him in for a tight hug, not even minding when Louis wipes his nose on his shirt. “S’alright Louis. Harry loves you, he wouldn’t do that. Something isn’t right, that’s all. I don’t know if it’s him being away, or how much he’s drinking, or maybe…drugs I don’t-I don’t know. But you need to talk to him because he won’t listen to the rest of us, I’ve tried, we’ve all tried. Please promise me you’ll try?”

Louis nods against Niall’s shoulder. “Yeah I…tonight. I’ll cal him tonight.”

“Alright good,” Niall sighs in relief. “Let me know how it goes, okay? I’m staying with Zayn for a bit, helping him with some of the songs.”

“Getting paid to write my lyrics, Horan?” Louis sniffles, pulling back and smiling.

Niall rolls his eyes and punches his arm affectionately. “Where would you all be without me, Tomlinson?”

Louis waits until two in the morning to call, figure Harry will be up by then. Harry’s phone ringing somewhere is very annoying. He cracks his eyes open and groans at the headache. “Jesus fucking christ Alex, what did we do?” Harry looks around and finds himself laying flat out across the coffee table in the living room, and Alex is on the couch with his face smashed into the couch cushion.

“S’your fucking phone,” Alex grumbles. “Just answer, make it stop.”

Harry pats around the front of the table until finds his phone which is sticky with what he hopes is beer. “Mm, hello?”

“Harry wake up, we need to talk.” Louis says firmly.

“I think I might still be drunk.” Harry says to no one in particular. Alex laughs loudly and reaches over to smack Harry’s ass, making the younger boy yelp. He pulls himself up off the table and flicks Alex in the head on his way into the kitchen.

“I’m serious, we need to have a talk Harry. I’m not taking no for an answer.”

Harry turns the kettle on that he’d bought the first week he moved in, and waits. “Alright, m’awake see? Hello Louis, I love you.”

“Shutup Harry,” Louis rolls his eyes. “What’s this about you not coming home next month?”

Harry wipes at his face, his eyebrows furrowing. “I dunno, just thought I’d stay longer. M’having fun.”

“Yeah, so I can see. What about university Harry? You do remember the whole reason you’re there is for an internship, correct? Are you even going anymore or are you too busy getting stoned an partying until the sun rises with Alex?”

“So many questions,” Harry grimaces. “I do go, I’m a very good employee. Aren’t I a good employee Alex?”

Alex looks up, blond hair sticking up in spikes around his head, and winks. “Sexiest mother fucker ever to walk the streets of LA, Styles.”

“See, I’m a good employee.” Harry giggles. He doesn’t seem to notice that what Alex has just said has nothing to do with work, or the fact that he was supposed to be at work an hour ago.

Louis is pissed. He stayed up late just to have this conversation and all Harry is doing is making jokes. “Harry we haven’t spoken in a week, an entire fucking week without so much as a phone call. Do you even care?”

This seems to get through to Harry. “Of course I care Louis. I love you more than anything, I’ve just been busy-”

“Busy getting drunk and partying instead of working?” Louis finishes. “Niall is so worried about you he showed up at my flat begging me to do something, your mother still calls me at least every other day crying because she’s so worried about you, and don’t even get me started on Liam. Do you realize that you’re hurting your family by doing this?”

Harry bites his lip and shrugs to himself. “I don’t want to hurt anyone, I’m just having fun. I’ll call everyone more often, let them know I’m alright.”

“What’s wrong baby?” Louis asks softly when he senses the sadness in Harry’s voice. “You know you can tell me if something’s happened, or if you’re feeling off, I’d never judge you for it.”

“Nothing’s the matter.” Harry says, hoping Louis doesn’t hear his lie.

There’s silence for a few seconds while Harry hopes and Louis debates. “Are you…Harry, are you cutting again? Is that what this is about?” Louis says finally.

Harry freezes completely, hand gripping the counter so hard his knuckles turn white. “Fuck you Louis,” he snaps. “You think just because you aren’t here I’m going to go right back to that? You think I’m that fucking weak?”

Louis’ eyes widen. That was the exact opposite of the reaction he wanted. “Harry-”

“No. I’ll talk to you later, have a nice fucking night.” Harry hands up and slams the phone down hard on the counter. “Asshole.”

“I told you.” Alex mumbles, snuggling closer into the pillows

Harry hadn’t meant to sound so angry or so defensive and he hates the fact that the first real conversation they’ve had in a week ended in a fight. The doubt in his mind however is telling him it was only a matter of time, he can’t expect Louis to stick around forever just for him.

“We need to go out tonight before Ella comes back.” Harry says in an attempt to change the subject. Ella’s the only thing stopping Alex and Harry from completely giving up on the internship and partying twenty-four hours a day. She went home for the weekend though and won’t be back until Monday, so the two of them have been on a bit of a binge while left alone.

“I whole heartedly agree, H,” Alex says, pushing himself up. He wrinkles his nose when he sees Harry coming back to the couch with tea. “Go make me some coffee. Jesus how do you even drink that shit?”

The boys start the night out with a few beers in the flat, before venturing out to the clubs. Since Harry has solidified himself as a partier, the paparazzi are almost constant. They follow the two everywhere with snapping shutters and flashing lights, and Alex loves to pose and tease them. Harry usually ignores them unless he’s drunk.

Harry and Alex find their way into the club easily, skipping the line which has become a bit of a trend for them now. It takes a few rounds of shots before Harry slips out of his depressed state and starts talking.

“He’s just, I love him, yeah?” he shouts over the music. “It’s just that I don’t think I’m good enough anymore, like was I ever really, but now. I mean like, rockstar and shit. He could have anyone in the whole world!” Harry throws his arms as if to demonstrate how large the world is.

Alex laughs, hitting Harry hard on the back. “Fuck him, right? Never appreciated you anyway. Constantly leaving and shit, couldn’t even fly out here to visit more even with all that money. If you were my boyfriend, I’d never let you go.”

“Like the song!” Harry exclaims excitedly. “I met Justin Bieber once!”

Alex just rolls his eyes at this and drags Harry out to dance. They somehow end up pressed together in the crowd, doing some sort of ridiculous grinding movement that couldn’t really be considered dancing. Alex drops his head down to say something and ends up only being pressed closer.

“I mean it,” he says, looking directly into Harry’s eyes. “I would treat you so well, Harry. You deserve so much better than that camp little boy band fucker.” Harry opens his mouth to protest this but can’t speak because for some reason Alex’s lips are now covering his own.

The kiss lasts barely a few seconds before Harry’s slow drunken brain realizes what’s going on and pulls away. “Alex, no!” he shouts. “I love Louis, you don’t get to like…no. Like…no fucking. Fuck. I have to go home. I have to call Louis.” Harry stumbles away, letting Alex keep a hold on his wrist until they get out of the club.

“H-”

“No, fuck you.” Harry mutters. He tugs his wrist away and starts waving for a cab, ignoring the tears in his eyes and the yelling from the paps that seem to be closing in on him. He looks up, wide eyed and shaking, and without even thinking starts pinching the skin of his wrist with his nails.

“Harry! Who were you dancing with?”

“Hey faggot, where’s your boyfriend?”

“Did you kiss him? Are you cheating on Louis?”

“Harry! Harry! Harry where’s Louis, why isn’t he here?”

Harry shakes his head at them all and pinches harder, trying to block out their yelling. He jumps into the cab as soon as it pulls up and starts texting.

_im sosnf fukcin slorrhy louuuuhuuu i dint do it_

_i lovde u somuchsososososkosolmn_

_pls dnot haste me_

Satisfied, Harry slips his phone away and locks himself in his room as soon as he gets home. He falls asleep staring at the red crescent indents his fingers left in his wrists and wondering if opening them up would help him feel less like a piece of shit.

When Louis wakes up and sees Harry’s messages, he puts them off as an drunken apology for the day before. That is, until he logs onto twitter. Harry is everywhere, as a matter of fact, Harry and Alex are everywhere. Kissing. The picture is grainy and dark but you can tell very clearly that it’s Harry, or maybe Louis just knows because he’s memorized every inch of Harry’s skin multiple times. Then there’s Alex, towering over him and kissing him like he has a right to, like Harry belongs to him.

Louis is livid, but at the same time he’s utterly heartbroken.

He waits for Harry to call, but he never does. He only lasts until about mid morning before deciding that Harry isn’t even going to try to defend himself, so he calls instead.

Harry doesn’t say hello, just starts right into the excuses. “Louis, please just listen-”

“Please tell me this is a fucking joke.” Louis has never been so angry at Harry before. They’ve had fights in the past of course, pointless little arguments, but he’s never actually been angry  _at_ Harry.

Harry closes his eyes and shakes his head. “Lou, I’m sorry. It was an accident.”

“An accident?” Louis’ voice goes up an octave and he barks out a humorless laugh. “How do you accidentally kiss someone, Harry? Must be pretty fucking hard right, seeing as how I’ve managed to avoid doing it for three years.”

“He kissed me,” Harry says in a tone suspiciously resembling a whine. “Louis, I promise I wouldn’t ever kiss anyone else but you. We were drunk and he was just-he crowded up to me while we were dancing and he kissed me. I left right after, we haven’t even spoken I’m locked up in my room still.”

Louis breathes out and pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to hold back tears. He can’t cry and try to have this conversation with Harry, he needs to be strong. “Everything you do is a reflection on me Harry, do you get that? Every fucking thing that you do comes back to bite me and the band in the ass. Not only me, but your mum, your friends, and your own reputation!”

“I am not a child Louis,” Harry snaps, his anger rising. “Don’t you dare fucking reprimand me.”

“I’m not trying to reprimand you! I’m trying to make you understand that this isn’t just about you-”

“You think I don’t know that?” Harry is shouting now and Louis thinks he might even be crying. “You think I don’t get sick of being followed everywhere, being threatened, and seeing my face on the internet just because I’m with you? You think I don’t get tired of it either?”

Louis feels his heart stop and drop down into his chest. “I…Harry, I’ve given you so many chances to break it off if it was too much. Please tell me this isn’t your way of doing that-I…I tried so hard to make you understand that it’s okay-”

“It isn’t okay Louis, it isn’t,” Harry screams, and Louis can definitely hear him crying now. “I love you! I love you so much that I’m fine with dealing with all of this just for you to love me too. Now I’m not even sure that you do because you’re acting like you don’t even know me, you’re treating me like a stranger, like someone who isn’t the love of your life who would do anything for you. Because I am Louis, you know I am!”

“I do love you Harry-”

“Does that even matter anymore?”

Louis hesitates. “Maybe not.” He whispers.

Harry chokes on a sob and keels over in bed, holding his stomach tightly like he’s going to be sick or maybe even fall apart. “We’re done, aren’t we? This is it Louis, oh god. We’re fucking finished.”

Louis closes his eyes, his breathing growing heavier and he feels like the room is closing in on him. “I told you I’d never leave,” he murmurs. “And I meant it. I won’t leave, I will always be here if you change your mind, or if you feel like you just want a friend I’ll just be your friend. Harry, please don’t do anything-”

“Stupid?” Harry laughs, shaking his head. “I already have.” And he hangs up.

Louis stares down at his phone in disbelief. It doesn’t hit him for a few minutes, he keeps expecting Harry to call back laughing, to say this is all some big practical joke, to giggle ‘I love you Loubear, we’ll be alright’ and send him kissing emojis. But Harry doesn’t call back, or ext, or anything of the sort.

When his phone buzzes he jumps for it, but his heart sinks when he sees it’s just Josh.  _hey so Zayn got into trouble we have a meeting with management tomorrow want me to tell them you’re sick or something?_

Louis covers his sob and tries his best to text with shaky hands. please do i love you so much what did zayn do?

_check twitter we love you 2 alright? text if you need anything well be over tomorrow anyway but still. text_

Louis texts another I love you to both Josh and Zayn before looking back to his laptop and checking Zayn’s twitter. It’s a complete mess and it all starts with a tweet from Alex saying:  _hahaa i tripped and fell on him ;)_ Louis groans a bit to himself and keeps scrolling.

 **@zaynmalik: @alex_in_brooklyn** _trip and fall like that again and I fuck you up yeah?_

 **@alex_in_brooklyn: @zaynmalik** _dont see why ur worried was he fucking u to_

 **@zaynmalik: @alex_in_brooklyn** _if you’re looking for your 15 mins you found it but itll take less than that for me to beat the shit out of u_

 **@alex_in_brooklyn: @zaynmalik** _would luv to see u try_

 **@zaynmalik: @alex_in_brooklyn** _fuckin do it again I dare ya_

 **@zaynmalik: @alex_in_brooklyn** _i can be in la tomorrow try it :)_

 _Babe please don’t harass and/or kill anyone even if they deserve it._  Louis texts Zayn when he’s done scrolling. He then shoves his phone under his pillows because he knows he’ll just continue to get texts and phone calls for the rest of tonight and tomorrow.

For awhile Louis does nothing but stare at the wall before a sob breaks through and he curls into the fetal position in the middle of the bed. He ignores the sound of his phone buzzing, he ignores the knocking at the door, he ignores everything except the sounds of his own crying and his painful want for Harry’s familiar warmth beside him.

When strong arms wrap around him only a few moments later Louis initially panics, until he smells Zayn’s cologne mixing with the nicotine and the smell of the rain. Louis peeks an eye open and starts crying even harder when he sees Zayn cuddling up closer.

“We broke up.”

“I know Lou,” Zayn murmurs. “I know, it’s alright. Come here.”

Louis clutches onto Zayn’s shirt and buries his head against the other boy’s chest. His promise ring catches his eye and he reaches over to it, sliding the black band around on his finger. “We were a forever thing Zayn, we were supposed to be a forever thing.”

Zayn hushes him and wraps his arms tightly around Louis’ shaking body. “Babe, try to get some sleep okay? You’re exhausted.”

“Harry was it for me,” Louis mumbles, shaking his head. “He was it. He was the one and now we just-I don’t know what to do. What do I do without him, I don’t-oh god.”

“It isn’t your fault. We can talk in the morning.”

Louis whimpers and closes his eyes. “My beautiful boy.” He murmurs, his voice breaking. Zayn just holds him tighter and cards his fingers through Louis’ hair until he falls asleep.

Harry doesn’t have anyone to hold him and he thinks maybe that’s alright. He falls asleep again soon after he hangs up, pinching his skin harder and harder until he leaves the skin red and marked and feels relieved, like he deserves it.

He opens them instantly when he hears Alex on the other side of the door, pleading with him only a few hours later. “Harry please, please open the door. Let me apologize.”

“Go away!”

There’s a pause and then the knocking starts up again double time. “Harry! Come on, let’s just talk about this please.”

“There isn’t anything to talk about, you fucked everything up for me.”

“What if I want to be with you?” Harry completely freezes at that. “Harry what if that’s what I wanted, would that be fucking everything up too?”

Harry pinches at the skin of his wrist extra hard before pulling himself out of bed. When he opens the door, he sees Alex looking exhausted, blond hair standing almost on end like Niall’s does when he’s drunk. “You want that?” He murmurs. Alex grins and Harry grins back. “Yeah?”

“Of course I do you fucking idiot.”

Alex leans forward and kisses Harry full on the mouth, bringing a hand up to his curls. Harry tries not to think about how wrong it feels, about the fact that Alex tastes strongly of vodka and his hands are too large and his eyes are open. He just kisses back and tries to forget the sound of Louis’ broken voice on the phone.

“We should go out again tonight,” Alex murmurs against Harry’s lips. “Give them all something to talk about, right?” Harry ignores the weird feeling in his stomach at those words and just nods

When Louis sees the pictures of the two of them holding hands and laughing with one another on their way to a club Monday night, he stops crying completely. If this is what Harry wants then so be it.

July turns to August and Louis is steadfastly ignoring any and all contact with the world outside his friends and family, and even that almost feels like too much. Zayn is furious with everything all the time, so furious in fact, that Josh deleted his twitter just to stop him from commenting snarkily on every one of Alex’s photos of himself and Harry. He doesn’t even mind when Zayn cusses him out for it.

Niall and Liam linger around London both with sad sour faces, mumbling almost like zombies about how they haven’t heard from Harry in awhile, Anne hasn’t heard from Harry in awhile, neither has Gemma, or any of his other friends, or Louis. The only sign of life from Harry are his nonsensical drunken tweets and paparazzi photos.

Harry and Alex stop showing up to work almost three out of five days a week. Admittedly, Harry hates it, but he wants to impress Alex with how he can pretend he doesn’t care either. Ella moves out, unable to handle the two of them anymore and finding her own flat, so the boys decide to take full advantage of the internship housing by throwing parties and destroying almost everything.

Alex doesn’t notice the fact that Harry is scratching at himself, not cutting, but digging deep raised red lines into his skin with the nail of his thumb. He does eventually notice the scars though, Harry figured he would, they’re kind of hard to miss when you’re trying to undress someone.

“What’re these?” Alex asks, thumbing over the faded scars on Harry’s wrists

Harry moans. He’s painfully hard and really doesn’t want to be having this conversation right now, he wants Alex’s mouth back on his own. “Used to do that.”

Alex raises his eyebrows and laughs. “That’s pretty stupid. Did you get attention out of it or what?” He asks, pushing down on the scars. Harry’s eyes go wide at this. He isn’t sure what to say, but he doesn’t have to say anything because Alex’s mouth is back on his neck and any protest is replaced with a moan. They haven’t actually had sex yet, Harry keeps putting it off and pretending like he doesn’t feel dirty and horrible doing any of tis anyway, but Alex always tries.

“Not tonight,” Harry moans, pulling away from Alex’s wandering fingers. “Let’s go out tonight, yeah? What do you think?”

Alex’s pout is quickly replaced by a grin. “Yeah, paps might still be out.” Harry doesn’t mention that he always feels uneasy when Alex says stuff like that. Harry doesn’t mention a lot of things.

When they come back late that night around three in the morning, Harry sneaks off back out his room and leaves Alex passed out on the couch. He’s content to fall asleep and maybe even attempt to go to work tomorrow, when his promise ring catches his eye while he’s getting undressed.

Harry looks at it, watching it reflect the moon light like it did the night Louis gave it to him. He slips it off carefully and runs his finger over the L in the inscription. He hadn’t even noticed that he was still wearing it, which isn’t all that surprising considering he’s never actually taken it off since that day.

He slips the ring back on and settles down onto the bed, eying his computer. He knows he shouldn’t, but that doesn’t stop Harry from logging on and searching around the internet until he finds it. The video his classmate made of Louis back in February.

Louis stands in the school hallway, sipping at his tea and pushing his sleeves back now and then so they don’t cover his hands. He looks beautiful, Harry thinks, grinning so his blue eyes crinkle, feathery hair mussed up from sleeping, and looking impossibly small in Harry’s jumper. The girls are asking him questions about Harry and he seems all too happy to reply.

“Oh, he’s got the greenest eyes,” Louis says fondly, voice still just as beautiful even through the small laptop speakers. “That’s the first thing I noticed, I think. Well…the first thing I really noticed was that he was soaking wet because he came into the coffee shop I worked at in the rain, yeah? And so he’s sitting there shivering with these big green eyes and dimply cheeks and I felt like a proper pedophile, he looked about 12 years old like that, but I just remember thinking he was beautiful. Harry’s always beautiful.”

“You love him?” One of the girls asks off camera.

Louis blushes and shrugs. “Of course I do. I’m always going to love him.” He puts on the proudest grin Harry’s ever seen and Harry starts crying. The smile doesn’t leave once throughout the rest of the video, which is mostly Louis telling the girls all of the things he loves about Harry, until said boy appears out of the corner of the screen.

It feels like a punch to the gut when he sees Louis’ eyes light up as soon as he spots Harry. His already large grin widens and Harry doesn’t even try to stop his loud crying while he watches Louis run up to Harry on screen where they kiss. Unable to take it anymore, Harry slams his laptop shut and tries to go back to sleep and forget about how much he misses Louis.

When Alex tries to ask him what’s wrong the next morning Harry stops him with a kiss and a promise that tonight’s the night. Alex’s eyes light up when he realizes Harry means sex, and the two of them go out almost as soon as the sun sets. Paparazzi find them instantly, snapping pictures of them holding hands and kissing, Alex grinning and kissing harder when they get egged on.

Inside the club, Alex buys a few drinks and they settle into a booth where Alex starts kissing him again, sucking possessive bruises onto Harry’s skin. He lifts a hand up to Harry’s neck and kisses behind his ear, before whispering “You should come back to New York with me.”

Harry pulls back, eyes wide. “Really?”

Alex nods, letting his fingertips trace up and down over Harry’s neck. “Mhm, definitely. We can get our own little apartment and everything, it’ll be fun.”

Harry grins. “Yeah? You’d want that?”

Alex leans forward and kisses Harry’s collar bones, leaving yet another dark love bite. “Yeah I would. I’m gonna try to record my EP, you can help. You did that sort of thing with Louis, right? You know people?”

Harry’s grin fades away and he pulls back again, this time sliding farther over in the booth. “I-I know people?” He repeats.

Laughing, Alex reaches forward and pinches Harry’s cheek like he’s a child. “Of course you do, darling, people who can help me get off the ground. Friends in the industry and all that.”

It feels as though someone has a vice grip on Harry’s throat and he can no longer breathe. “You want me to come to New York and pull strings for you.” It isn’t a question. Alex frowns and shrugs, clinking a shot against one in front of Harry like a toast.

“Well don’t you love me, H?”

The club suddenly seems too small and too hot and Harry feels so stupid. He should have known. He should have known that all along Alex was just using him, and now all th signs seem blatantly obvious. He remembers Alex spelling out his first and last name to the paparazzi, Alex always tweeting about Harry using his full name, Alex being angry whenever they’d go somewhere and no cameras were trailing behind them.

Harry pushes himself out of the booth so fast their drinks topple over. “I can’t be here,” he babbles. “I have to go, I can’t be around you I…I have to go.”

“Harry, wait!”

Harry runs, finding his way to a back entrance and slipping out. He’s so stupid, he tells himself. He never deserved Louis and now someone else is just using him and he never realized. Harry’s fingers itch for something sharp, anything sharp, but he isn’t home yet. It’s an instinct when he grabs for his phone. His fingers go to call Louis until he remembers he can’t anymore, and that draws out even more sobbing. He goes instead to the contact before that, and calls.

Liam, Louis, and Zayn are all out for brunch. Recently, Liam and Zayn have joined forces to make Louis leave the house and stop him from moping around and staring at pictures of Harry on his laptop all day. Brunch was Liam’s idea, because of course Liam is the type of person who eats brunch, and Louis is on his third mimosa that has far too much orange juice if you ask him.

Liam frowns when his phone starts ringing but it quickly turns to shock. Louis watches over his toast as Liam answers instantly with no hesitation. “Harry?” Louis drops his knife with a clatter. Zayn takes a sharp breath in and reaches to give Louis’ shaking hand a squeeze. They both watch as Liam’s eyebrows pull together and Louis can hear the unmistakable sound of Harry crying on the other side of the phone.

“Harry you have to calm down I can’t understand you…what?! No. Harry, no don’t you dare-”

“Give me the phone,” Louis breathes. Liam and Zayn stare at him like he’s insane and that only makes his heart race faster. “Give me the fucking phone Liam, he’s having a panic attack, he needs me.”

Liam hands the phone over dutifully and Harry’s voice is now directly in Louis’ ear. “-it’s not even worth it anymore, I’m not worth it. I fucked everything up with Louis and now Alex is going to show up and-”

“Harry.”

Harry stops talking. “Louis?” He breathes.

“Harry baby, talk to me,” Louis murmurs as calmly as he can. “Breathe. Tell me what’s going on.”

Harry starts crying even harder at this. He’s on the street of his flat now, stumbling all over the sidewalk. “Lou I-I hate myself. I hate myself so much, Alex was using me the whole time and I never even really wanted him. It’s you, it’s always, always been you. Never anyone else. He just….he…” Harry trails off, taking Louis’ advice and deciding to focus on his breathing.

“What did he do?” Louis growls. “Did he hurt you Harry, because I swear to god-”

“No he just-Lou he was using me. He wants to record and he wants me to come to New York and talk to people for him and just used me. He saw my cuts and told me I was doing it for attention and I just…Louis I wanna cut so bad, I wanna die. I’ve been scratching and it isn’t enough. I’m not enough. I’m a stupid slut, I was never good enough for you and Alex used me and I deserved it.” Harry’s fingers shake but he manages to get into the flat. He starts finding some of his things and stuffing them into a duffel bag without even thinking. He can’t stay here tonight, he needs to get out.

Zayn calls for the check as soon as he sees the tears welling up in Louis’ eyes. “Oh Harry, baby. Baby, no, you aren’t a slut I don’t think that. You deserve so much better than I could ever give you. You are so strong and you can do this without me, you know you can. I know you can.”

Harry drops to his bed and just starts sobbing. “I can’t do it. I need you Louis. It’s not even the cutting it’s just…it’s everything. I need you Louis, please.”

Louis can’t take hearing that, he can’t take listening to Harry cry and beg for him. “I’m getting you a hotel for the night and a flight in the morning,” he blurts out. “You don’t have to see me, I know you probably won’t want to, and I’m not so sure I want to see you right now either, but this has got to end Harry. You’re coming home.”

“You’re my home.” Harry murmurs.

Louis covers his mouth with his hand and squeezes his eyes shut. “Oh god. I can’t-Zayn take it, I can’t,” Louis pushes away from the table and is already booking a flight and a room from his phone. “Tell him I’ll text him the hotel address, he needs to go now and sober up. The flight’s at nine in the morning.”

Zayn stares up at him, his mouth drooping sadly. “Do you want to say goodbye?”

Louis bites his lip. “Flight’s to Manchester.” Is all he says, before he leaves the restaurant.

Harry hears this and his sobbing starts back up. “Zayn, I’m sorry. Tell him I’m sorry.”

“S’alright Haz,” Zayn whispers. “He’ll come around.”

Louis pretends he doesn’t hear that. He texts Anne telling her when Harry’s flight is scheduled to land and she texts back _thank you Louis x_ and Louis cries right in front of the cab driver

Harry wants to text Louis and tell him no when he sees the fancy hotel that’s been booked for him, when he walks in and sees the huge suite with tea and food already waiting for him, and especially when the man at the desk calls him “Mr. Tomlinson’s guest” and assures him all has been taken care of. Instead, he just falls onto the too soft bed, drinks his tea, and deletes his twitter as well as texts Alex telling him in a very not polite manner to get every picture and every tweet of Harry off the internet. In under a few minutes, Alex’s tweets have dwindled from thousands to hundreds. Feeling more content, Harry sets an alarm for only a few hours from now and falls asleep.

When he sees Louis has booked him a first class ticket, Harry realizes what’s going on. They’re no longer together so Louis no longer has to hold back on spending money for Harry, and this is all a way of showing that. Harry falls asleep almost instantly in the strange cubicle like seat and wishes he could have stayed that way when he gets off the flight in Manchester and sees his mother’s face.

She looks so disappointed, heartbroken, and tired that Harry wants to drop to his knees and beg for forgiveness right there. She takes Harry into her arms though instead of yelling, and squeezes him tightly. “Don’t you ever do that to me again, Harry. Ever.” She cries into his neck.

Harry shakes his head, not entirely sure what he’s agreeing to here, but definitely not disputing it. “I won’t, I promise I won’t. I love you Mum, I’m so sorry.” There isn’t a single photographer around to see him cry.

Louis gets a text from Anne when she picks Harry up safely and decides that’s more than enough interaction for one day. He locks himself up in his flat with some ice cream, one of Harry’s jumpers that he swore he’d never dig out again, and Doctor Who reruns. He still loathes Doctor Who, and he will never admit that he cries a little when Rose starts banging on the wall in the parallel universe.

Harry still has a few weeks before school starts up again. He spends his first few days texting to Niall and Liam and they’re both absolutely beyond pissed off with him, but have no intentions of not dorming together again. They finally come to visit him and both start crying while they hug and Harry apologizes.

“I’m a shit friend, such a shit person.” He murmurs into Niall’s neck.

“What was it?” Liam asks softly. “Like…it wasn’t drugs or anything, right?”

Harry closes his eyes and sighs. “I never did anything too bad, just pot mostly. I drank a lot, way too much, and partied, and…Alex wasn’t really helping either. It just go to me I guess, like the fact that Louis wasn’t around, the fact that the paps were everywhere I went, the fact that it was just so easy to become that person.”

“Alex,” Niall hisses. “All of this is his fucking fault.”

Harry winces. “Mine too. He kissed me the first time, but I was more than a willing participant of it all the times after.”

“He used you.” Niall growls.

“Yeah. And I deserved it.”

Niall holds him tighter and tells him he didn’t a million times, but Harry doesn’t really believe it. He also finds himself wishing Louis were holding him right now, not Niall, and wishing Louis were here telling Harry he isn’t angry, that they can work this out, that it doesn’t have to end like this.

Liam, as if reading Harry’s mind like always, speaks up after a few minutes of sniffling and silence. “Are you going to call him?”

Harry shakes his head. “No. If Louis wants to talk to me, he’ll call.”

Liam sighs. “You should go see him, he misses you like crazy. The whole time you were in the papers with Alex he was a wreck. All he does is go to work, and then go back home and cry and eat ice cream.”

“I can’t just show up at his flat Li, this isn’t a romantic movie. He’d punch me.”

Niall rolls his eyes. “You know you can. He’s mad but he could never be that angry with you Haz. Just drive down there, tell him you still love him, and apologize for being a fucking twat and twatting around in America with an American twat.”

Harry laughs loudly, much to the other boy’s delight. “Thanks for the advice, Nialler.” Niall just nods and goes back to hugging.

It never really hit Harry how bad the media really was to him, he tried to stay away from tabloids back in Los Angeles, especially stayed away from gossip sites when he could. It’s not until he stops by Tescos for his mother one morning that he sees it. Almost every magazine and newspaper have a variation of his drunken face on them. Harry stops and stares in absolute disbelief, feeling almost like he did all those months ago when he found the tabloid going on about Louis’ cheating. And that’s just it, he thinks, because if Harry felt that horrible over a lie, how must Louis feel about all of this?

He gets his answer when he passes by a copy of The Mirror with Louis’ face on it, looking washed out and tired as he stops off at a Starbucks, coming out with his little hands curled around a coffee, his promise ring still on his finger. The bags under his eyes and the beanie pulled low over his head make him look sick, but he’s not sick, he’s heartbroken.

“It’s my fault.” Harry murmurs to himself. He barely remembers to pay for the groceries before he’s running out of the store to his car.

“Harry, what on earth are you doing?” His mother asks in surprise when he comes running in with the groceries.

“I can’t talk, I have to go to London,” Harry shouts as he runs up the stairs. “I have to talk to Louis and apologize.” His duffel bag is still packed for the most part so he grabs it and zips it up, before running back down the stairs. He stops only when he sees his mother’s face.

She waves her hand at him and shakes her head. “No, no, go. I’m just…poor Louis. He’s been waiting for you this whole time and you just now realized it.”

“I can’t mess this up.” Harry says, biting his lip.

“You had better not.”

They both smile at each other and Harry kisses his mum quickly on the cheek, before running off to his car. He texts the other boys letting them know he’s going, and they all reply with good lucks, except for Zayn who tells him very plainly that if he fucks up again he’ll be digesting his own leg. Harry takes that completely seriously and drives even faster.

Harry pulls up to Louis’ building just as the sun is setting, making incredible time by ignoring most traffic laws and his need for food and water. He tugs a beanie low on to cover his curls and walks into the building and up to Louis’ flat.

He comes to a standstill outside Louis’ door. He realizes he has no clue what to even say if Louis answers. Sorry isn’t going to be enough, not this time, not after everything he’s done. Taking a deep breath, Harry reaches up and knocks.

Inside the flat, Louis looks lazily over at the door and sighs. “Go away you guys!” He calls, assuming it’s one of the boys who are the only ones who ever come to his flat. The knocking just continues. “Go away, I’m fine!” Louis shouts, but the knocking is unceasing.

Letting out an exasperated groan that sounds like it belongs to a teenage girl, Louis slams his ice cream down on the table, and throws the quilt off himself dramatically. “I swear to god if this is anyone other than Niall with another tub of ice cream, I will-” He stops when the door swings open and it is decidedly not Niall with more provisions.

It’s Harry, bag slung over his shoulder, looking slightly tanned, hair a bit longer than Louis remembers, and just as beautiful as ever. “I am so fucking in love with you Louis Tomlinson.” He breathes in lieu of a hello.

Louis’ breath catches in his throat. He takes a step backwards involuntarily and Harry can see his face turn cold and shut down. “That’s wonderful, would you like an autograph?”

A low whimper comes from Harry that he just barely stifles by biting his lip. “Louis, please let me in. I need to talk to you, I know I fucked up and you hate me, but we can’t end like that. Not like that, you deserve better.”

Louis frowns but opens the door wider. “Try not to trip and fall on anyone on your way in.” He says with a menace he never even knew he possessed. The hurt look Harry shoots him only hurts Louis a little bit. Well, maybe a little more than a little bit, but Louis isn’t going to admit that to himself.

Harry drops his bag and looks down at his feet. Louis shuts the door and leans against it, taking him in. For a short second, he’s brought back to three years ago when shy little Harry Styles would show up to the coffee shop at nine in the morning just to help Louis bake. He always stood like this then, legs pressed firmly together, toes pointed slightly inward, curls hanging to hide his eyes while he biting his lip and waiting for instruction. Louis notices the black ring around Harry’s finger and has to stop his sad smile.

“You’re still wearing it,” Harry looks up, his long fingers going to play with the ring almost defensively. “I saw…in the papers, the pictures I mean you-you always had it. I figured it was your way of rubbing it in from two oceans away.”

Harry’s lip quivers and he shakes his head. “No Lou, never. I would never do that to you, I’m sorry.”

“Please tell me you at least took it off while the two of you…” Louis trails off, not too keen on the idea of talking about Harry and Alex in any sort of compromising position.

Harry blushes bright red. “Oh no we never…I mean, he wanted to but I-no. No one but you Louis, ever.”

“Hmm.” Is all Louis says. He brushes past Harry and back to the living room, grabbing his ice cream and looking for the top to the container. Harry just stands still and watches him, green eyes following him through the living room and back into the kitchen where Louis shoves the ice cream into the freezer. He wishes he would have known Harry was coming, he could have cleaned up or at least changed into actual clothes. He’s pretty sure he’s been wearing the same sweats for three days, and Harry’s jumper as well.

“Did you take it off?” Harry asks.

Louis turns around and sighs. “No, probably should have though. You’ve made it quite clear what you want Harry, and it isn’t me.”

Harry is shaking now and Louis can’t take that. He’s angry, but never angry enough to ignore Harry when he’s like this. “Sit down, I’ll make you some tea.” Harry looks up at him in surprise, and Louis just motions towards the couch until Harry goes. Louis sighs and flips the kettle on, watching out of the corner of his eye while Harry toes off his shoes and socks and pulls his knees up to his chest.

Louis returns with two cups of tea made just as they like it, and sits down next to him. “Your wrists?” Harry shows them obediently and Louis winces. There are no actual cuts, but he can definitely see the places where Harry was scratching deep enough to leave imprints. “Oh, Harry.” Louis breathes, reaching out to touch, but then pulling back. He can’t touch, not anymore, Harry doesn’t belong to him anymore.

“Alex asked me if I did it for attention,” Harry laughs and wipes at his nose. “Said ‘that’s pretty stupid’ once he saw them.”

Louis’ hands curl into fists. He wants nothing more than to find Alex and beat the absolute shit out of him, despite the fact that Alex is about four times his size. “The first time. When he kissed you, did you kiss back?” He doesn’t want to ask, he never believed Harry would actually cheat, but still. He needs to know.

“No, Louis I would never,” Harry says, eyes flickering up, still glassy from crying. “I would never, ever cheat on you. He kissed me and I pushed him off not even a second later. I went back home and then…then you called and he was there and he-”

“So were you just waiting for me to break up with you?” Louis asks with genuine curiosity in his voice. “Did you fancy him the whole time and you were just waiting for me to end it so you could be together?”

Harry coughs out a laugh and wipes again at his face, at the tears slowly trickling down his cheeks. “No. I knew I was never good enough for you Louis, despite what you always told me. I figured that you finally figured it out and Alex was just…there. He acted like he wanted me so I figured, why not. And it was so stupid of me because I never stopped loving you and it was so obvious that Alex was just using me for popularity or whatever, but I wanted you to be happy. I thought that would make you happy.”

Louis laughs this time. “You thought seeing pictures of you running around drunk and out of your mind with some creep would make me happy?”

Harry shakes his head. “I thought if you knew I was okay with you seeing someone else, someone better, you’d be happy. Even if I wasn’t happy.”

“I don’t know how to make you understand Harry, but I’m never going to be happy if you aren’t. Even after all of this, I still fucking love you and I just want you to be happy. I don’t know how to make you get the fact that I could never want anyone other than you. Even when you were fucking around with Alex, all I could think was ‘he’s going to come home, he’s going to give it all up and come back home to me and we’ll laugh about this in ten years’ and you never fucking did,” Louis voice rises and he turns to look at Harry, watery blue eyes making him look absolutely heartbroken and betrayed. “You never came back home to me. I had to force you and I feel so fucking stupid Harry. I feel so stupid for ever thinking what we had was the exception to the rule, like we’d ever really make it with all the pressure and being so young and-”

“Please,” Harry is begging now, shuffling closer to Louis on the couch and looking so lost. “Louis please don’t talk about us like that. Please don’t act like we can’t fix this, I want to fix this. I did come home. You’re my home Louis, it took me way too long to realize it, and I’m so sorry.”

“You can’t do this to me Harry,” Louis cries. “You can’t just go off and find someone else and expect me to be here waiting.”

“I don’t expect that Lou, I don’t! I thought you didn’t want me anymore!” Harry’s begging has turned to yelling and he’s so close to shaking Louis just to make him believe what he’s saying. “I thought you figured out that you’re this big fucking rock star and I’m just some stupid kid who gets upset too easily and still wants to cut himself and never deserved you in the first place, and certainly doesn’t now. I thought you finally realized I’m more trouble than I’m worth and you wanted someone who wouldn’t ruin your reputation and would be good enough to be with you!”

Louis stares at him in disbelief, before speaking. “You’re so stupid Harry. You’re such a fucking idiot.” Before Harry even gets the chance to agree, Louis is pulling him close and kissing him like he’s drowning and Harry is air. A happy sob erupts from Harry’s chest and he tugs Louis closer by the waist, trying to get as close as possible. Louis reaches up to pet at his curls and brush his tears away.

“Shh, baby. Calm down, I’m right here. M’always right here.” Louis murmurs, hand brushing up and down Harry’s neck in a calming manner.

“Louis, I’m sorry. I love you. I’m so fucking sorry.” Harry cries, not pulling away from Louis’ lips just in case the older boy changes his mind and pulls back.

Louis nods. “I know baby, I know you are. It’s alright, calm down. Breathe.”

“Please don’t go.” Harry sobs, finally pulling back so he can rest his head on Louis’ shoulder.

“Never.”

Harry closes his eyes and nods, wrapping his arms around Louis tightly. “I hate myself for doing this to you.”

“Harry,” Louis says softly. “Don’t ever think that. We’re both at fault here, it isn’t just you. I shouldn’t have said those things to you on the phone about what you do coming back to me. That was completely unfair and I’m so sorry. We both acted pretty childish about all of this.”

Harry says nothing, just climbs forward into Louis’ lap. “I’m not mad at your for that.”

“You should be.” Louis mutters. “I made an absolute asshole of myself. I care more about you than my image, I don’t want you to think that I don’t.”

Harry rests his head against Louis collarbone and nods. “I know. I love you Louis.”

“I love you always, Harry,” Louis whispers back. “C’mon sweetheart, you’re exhausted. Let’s go to bed.”

Harry looks up, biting his lip. “You’ll be there when I wake up?”

Louis nods, brushing Harry’s fringe back to kiss his forehead. “I promise.” He waits for Harry to crawl out of his lap before sliding their fingers together and tugging him off the couch. Louis stops only briefly to turn the lights and tv off and leads Harry back into the bedroom.

Harry follows dutifully and waits until Louis’ in bed before removing his own clothes and following. He crawls into bed looking unsure until Louis’ fingers slide around his wrists and pulls him close.

“Harry, look at me,” Louis says firmly. Harry does and Louis reaches down to kiss his faded scars and the red welts. “This is not stupid. Cutting never meant you just wanted attention, and it never made you stupid, it still doesn’t. Don’t you even believe that for a second, understand? I will never believe that and you shouldn’t either.”

Harry nods and scoots closer until Louis has his arms wrapped around his body and Harry is pressed to Louis’ chest again. “I love you, Louis. Never, ever gonna leave you again.”

Louis chuckles softly. “Well since you’ve royally fucked up that internship, you might have to move in.”

To his delight Harry laughs as well. “I hope you’ve made space in the closet.” He looks up, green eyes sparkling.

Louis grins and leans down to kiss him. “Only if you’ve brought some of those twinkie things,” Harry giggles and shakes his head, tucking his head under Louis’ chin. “If Niall eats one of those, we’ll never hear the end of it.”

“Missed you.” Harry murmurs, finger trailing down to Louis’ belly button.

“Missed you more, Hazza.”

“I’m so sorry.” Harry says again, for almost the hundredth time tonight.

Louis sighs and runs his knuckles along Harry’s side, bumping along his ribs. “I know baby, I know you are. But we’re gonna be okay, yeah? We can get past this.”

“Been through worse.” Harry mutters.

Louis chuckles and squeezes Harry once, reaching down to drop a kiss into the boy’s curls. “Yeah we have, haven’t we? Love you Hazza.”

Harry looks up, smiling and giggling when Louis reaches down and kisses his nose. “I love you more.” Harry whispers.

And Louis believes him.

**Author's Note:**

> So I don’t think I’m quite done with this fic yet, but anything from here on out will only be a few thousand words, nothing this large again……I think


End file.
